Verizon to Turn AOL and Yahoo Into Some Kind of Weird Cult or Something

Image: AP

Folks, the moment we’ve all been waiting for is finally official: Verizon is going to combine Yahoo (huh?) and AOL (what?) into one useless conglomerate called “Oath.” Holy shit! Oath? What a wacky name.

A tweet this afternoon from the AOL CEO Tim Armstrong appeared to confirm earlier rumblings that the dusty internet companies will combine into one even dustier Frankenstein. They’re even rolling out an absurd #hashtag to go along with it. Brace yourself: The hashtag is called #TakeTheOath. What in tarnation? Is the combination of Yahoo and AOL some kind of demonic telecom funded cult? It certainly sounds like it! If it’s up to me, I will not be taking any “oaths,” thank you very much.


As part of the deal, the Marissa Mayer, the largely incompetent Yahoo CEO who was unable to rescue the company from ruin, will reportedly not be taking the Oath. (This shouldn’t come as much of a surprise, as we’ve known she would be stepping down from Yahoo.) See ya, Marissa! Guess the Oath takers are better off without you.

One has to wonder why those suits came up with a new name for Yahoo. Perhaps it had something to do with the multiple hacks Yahoo disclosed in late 2016, after which its reputation—and brand—was tarnished even further. (Remember, Verizon almost got cold feet on the acquisition once they realized how bad the hacks were.)

“Oath,” however, isn’t the only bizarre name to come out of the deal—the parts of the company Verizon left behind will be renamed Altaba. Between the two of them, I genuinely do not know which name is worse, but at least it’s better than Tronc.


The deal will reportedly close in late April. Personally, I cannot wait!

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William Turton

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