What if Ernest Hemingway or Oscar Wilde wrote The Lord of the Rings?

Illustration for article titled What if Ernest Hemingway or Oscar Wilde wrote The Lord of the Rings?

Perhaps you've already read the Ayn Rand version of J.R.R. Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings, but how might the epic change in the hands of Ernest Hemingway, Oscar Wilde, Ian Fleming, or Lewis Carroll? Or, for that matter, George Lucas or Gene Roddenbury?


Alison Brooks' Alternative authors' versions of Lord of the Rings reimagines the adventures of Frodo, Sam, and Gandalf through the writing styles of a number of unexpected authors. Her Ernest Hemingway, for example, includes a terse description of the One Ring itself:

Frodo Baggins looked at the ring. The ring was round. It was a good ring. The hole at the heart of the ring was also round. The hole was clean and pure. The hole at the heart of the ring had an emptiness in it that made Frodo Baggins remember the big skies of the Shire when his father had taken him out and taught him to tear the heads off the small, furred things that walked there, even though he hated blood in those days and the stink of the blood was always part of the emptiness for him then and ever after.

While her Oscar Wilde engages Gollum in witty conversation

"He bested me in a riddle contest."

"A riddle contest?"

"It was so. And he cheated."

"To cheat in a riddle contest is a riddle in itself, and is therefore not cheating, but just another riddle."

"He cheated and asked me what he had in his pockets."

"He picked and pocketed a pretty prize, performing perfidious behaviour. How very noble, so like our own Lords and Masters"....

She even recasts the protagonists as characters from Star Trek in her Gene Roddenberry version:

"The Halflings, cap'n, they will na take the strain"

"Strider, we've got to get out of this snow. Legolas, did you get a reading on that creature?"

"Fascinating, Captain. It appears to be an unknown creature that lurks in the pool waiting for passing strangers. Ecologically implausible, captain."

"Do you know what it is?"

"I believe I said it was unknown, Dr Gimli. Logically, if I knew what it was, then it wouldn't be unknown."

"Cap'n, we're in some sort of temporal warp, stretching and deforming the plot. The snow should take place a day before our encounter with this beastie."

"Captain, what are we going to do."

"Boromir, put on that red armour."....

Poor Boromir. But the P.G. Wodehouse Lord of the Rings seems like it would be the most fun as a full-length novel, with Frodo as Bertie Wooster and Sam as Jeeves:

"Sam, I've decided to go and overthrow the Dark Lord by tossing his jewellery into a volcano."

"Very good, sir. Should I lay out your crazy adventure garb? I presume that this will pose a delay to tea-time. I would remind your Hobbitship that your Great Aunt Lobellia Sackville-Baggins is expected for tea."

"Blast! I say, bother! How can a chap overthrow the Dark Lord? I suppose I will have to delay my campaign."

"Very good, sir. I believe you will be free in about a decade."

"I'll do it then. Make a note, Sam."

Check out the rest of Brooks' mad literary mashups at Changing the Times, where she envisions Aragorn as Ian Fleming's James Bond, Frodo and Gandalf as Luke Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi, and the tale of the Orcs as penned by Dylan Thomas. She even tries to compose a verse of Andrew Lloyd Weber's Middle Earth musical.


Alternative authors' versions of Lord of the Rings [Changing the Times via Metafilter]



The Wodehouse is actually frighteningly close to the real thing. I think one of the things I always liked about Fellowship of the Ring is that the first third of the book is nothing but procrastination — epic procrastination, if you will.