There are a lot of important courses that don’t appear in the Hogwarts curriculum: math, science, history of the muggle world. But what about sexual education? What would happen if Professors Snape and McGonagall taught the young wizards and witches about birth control?
reddit user saturfia posed this question to the r/WritingPrompts subreddit, and the results are pretty hilarious. Head over to reddit to read all of the responses, though we’re pretty partial to this story by user dingo8muhbabies:
The great hall sat in stunned silence as Dumbledore made the announcement. The Weasley twins had been suspended for two whole weeks after their ‘Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes’ disolving condoms had resulted in Professor Snape having to brew a very controversial potion for two fifth year girls in Hufflepuff.
Snape and McGonagall were going to be teaching sex ed. Ron and Ginny were both extremely red faced, and Harry later found out that this was because Mr and Mrs Weasley had been asked to help the ministry put together the course material. He supposed that after seven children, they were fairly well practised. He then shuddered at the thought.
As they made their way down to the dungeons, Harry was hoping that the room would be filled with dementors and Lord Voldemort instead, but Snape was right where he always was, wearing an expression that made him look as he had just swallowed a pineapple whole.
‘Sit.’ He snapped. ‘I don’t like this any more than you do, but given that your schoolmates struggled to keep their genitals to themselves we might as well get this over and done with.’ With a look of distain, Snape did exactly as the ministry notes suggested and had them all write a question that they had so that they could be answered anonymously.
‘Longbottom! You were not meant to write your name you foolish boy! But in answer to your question you must not use an engorgement charm on your private area or you may risk permanent damage.’ The class burst out laughing and Neville ran out of the room immediately. ‘No great loss, unless he finds a charm to impregnate his left hand I daresay he’ll never need to know any of this’ Snape said snidely.
The rest of the lesson was done as quickly and as properly as possible. They discussed contraception charms, wizarding STIs (much worse than muggle ones; exploding blisters, green and orange rashes) and options for unwanted pregnancies. Seamus recieved a detention for a very poor taste ‘fetus deletus’ joke.
As Harry and Ron left the class they were incredibly relieved that the worst was over. Or at least thats what they thought. Unbelieveably, Hermione seemed to be incredibly excited and they could barely say hello before Hermione started telling them all about the girls lesson.
‘That was so informative! Did you know that witches can store their menstrual blood to use in fertility potions? Oh! And Professor McGonagal was telling us about protection charms that you can put onto your vulva so that anything that enters you without your consent will turn black and shrivel up.’ They boys grimmaced and hoped they got to land a muggle girl their first time instead.