Hayden said it best when she straddled yet another ghost on American Horror Story — and asked why she's the horniest ghost in the whole Murder House. We have no idea, but if that means a ghost orgy in the Harmons' living room, then so be it.
First up, is anyone still reeling over last week's "Rubber Man" episode? HOLY HELL. I'd like to apologize for missing last week — and lo and behold, it was one of the more bat shit crazy ones out of the lot. MY GOODNESS. We learned so many new things! We learned that Tate is the Rubber Man, thus making him the father of one of Vivian's twins, the murderer of our favorite Murder House gays... and supremely creepy. This pretty much undid all the work this show has been doing convincing the audience that he's a good guy and may have been under the influence of the house when murdering the Breakfast Club.
So there we have it: Tate is a rotten apple. Did I get the message right? Which is really too bad, because I was truly enjoying fighting my EVIL KILL IT WITH FIRE instincts weekly with this kid. Vivian has been locked up because she's nuts and accidentally shot Ben (which he received no medical attention for — HA! I'm pretty sure if I had been shot anywhere, I would go to the hospital... but I digress). Oh and did you catch Marcy (the realtor) telling Vivian, "just don't have the baby now that's the last thing you want." What was that about? Methinks Marcy knows more than she is letting on (as we always assumed). Bottom line my critical analysis of "Rubber Man" is, two very enthusiastic thumbs up! Fine holiday fun!"
Now let's get to last nights episode "Spooky Little Girl." Ahem...
What The Fuck Is Going On With This Show. I'm absolutely floored how crazy can be used so beautifully in one episode, and then so poorly in the next. What is going on here? American Horror Story's fast paced return to the label of "highly watchable garbage" is practically imminent. Tonight, not one but two new ghosts joined the gang at Murder House. And they're all sooo horny. Pump the brakes on all the ghost train — we've had our fill of ghostly cameos for now.
First the flashback: this week's flashback murder was set in 1947, and introduced Mena Suvari as the Black Dahlia. And obviously, the show couldn't let the name and hair flower be a clue — no, AHS wanted to bash this bit long lost history right into your brain with this ridiculous dialogue, Doctor, "I don't want to crush your carnation." Mena, "Oh no, (pause pause pause) it's a Dahlia!" It was all she could do not to smile and wink at the camera. Good God people. Anyways the Black Dahlia is a very real murder that was a huge deal in the papers due to the victim Elizabeth Short's looks and the exceptionally brutal nature of her murder (which was fairly similar to what we saw in the show). While I give the creators points for including a bit of history, the wacky rapey, "look we're girls and we're gonna do it" antics of the house's ghosts somehow made the whole thing feel a little distasteful.
Then again this means Joshua Malina, my one true love from West Wing, got to make a cameo as the butterfingered dentist who accidentally kills her. So win for me, and win for folks who are into gruesome mid-century unsolved murders.
Moving on — Constance's boyfriend starts sleeping with the horrible, no good Hayden, because as we know now ghosts from the murder house can have sex with humans. Now that Vivian is locked up, Hayden is running around the home, caterwauling about how awful she and horrible Ben are meant to be together. Which is amazing that out of a home of murderers, psychos, sickos and someone who massacred their high school class, she is the most unlikable. Hayden's plan is to get Vivian's baby, and take over Murder Manor with awful Ben. But there's a snag — Ben tells her that this is just not going to happen because he doesn't love her.
These are just words to the beautiful ginger-haired Hayden, who takes her rage out on Constance's boy toy, cutting him open after ghost coitus. Thus adding yet another spirit to the already overcrowded house. I think this scene in particular perfectly sums up everything I love and loathe about this show. You have Constance sniping at her young lover like a cobra putting the words of Tennessee Williams to shame with her snakelike delivery — Team Constance! Then you have Hayden, who just appears for penis insertion and then kills the young lad. It's completely out of left field. Is this in character for her? No idea. The only Hayden we know is a crazy yeller — but apparently she's also a murderous ghost. And then it's a ghost party in the basement. There are too many ghosts in this house, thank you, the end.
Meanwhile Ben is living up to his reputation as world's greatest husband. Upon hearing the news that Vivian's twins were from different fathers, Ben heads to the nut house to take a giant shit on Vivian — who was screaming rape when he sent her away, remember. It was horrific — which was the point, but still! Vivian is tied up in a mental institution, and Ben calls her a whore and tells her he's not going to help her out of there. Ben is fully revealed as an absolute vile psychopath. AHS just cut him open and revealed that this man's insides are raw sewage. Throughly impressed with himself, he then smokes a cool-guy cigarette in his home and calls for the hot black security guard to come over. Thank goodness, the awesome Morris Chestnut just shuts Ben down immediately. Now Dr. Harmon realizes that he may have made a horrible mistake by putting his wife in a mental ward. In fact this epiphany is so strong that he can now see Moira for what she really is: a sweet old lady (of course he has to reject her advances and lesbian "I kissed a girl" antics a few times, so he appears noble for resisting the urge to put his dick in something). Sorry, not buying it. If I was pregnant with twins, and told my husband that I had been raped and he locked me in a mental institution, we would NOT be getting back together. Are we supposed to root for Ben now? I hope he drowns in a urinal.
In other news Constance went full weepy amazing on Tate, screaming at him for "crawling on top of that man's wife." Sigh just please, can we please just have the Constance show now?
Little did we know that Tate's Rubber Man sex tour presents some serious problems for all the other humans on this planet. What you've never heard of the Pope's Box? Me neither. Apparently there's this box in the Vatican where the new Pope goes and reads about the anti-christ, which is basically what is in Vivian's womb. Is this a real urban legend, the Pope's Box? I've never heard of it, but OK sure why not. The only problem here is we just took a show about the survival of a family none of us are really that attached to and made it about the survival of the planet. My only hope is that Moira and Constance go all Tomb Raider and save the Earth from Vivian's magic spawn. Hoowaah! Karate Chop Ghost!
Lingering Questions:
So now that Ben has seen the older version of Moira, does this mean no more smoldering hot red head action? Because I would really like to see the younger versions do more than thwack her thigh highs at me, I mean I would like to see that too but this young actress definitely has something.
What's next for the Harmons? At the rate this family is crumbling, there's no way this trio is making it to the second season. They are going to have to die, or leave California all together. I can see Violet is due for a face-to-ghost-face showdown with Tate, and that's exciting — but where does that leave the rest of them? Looks like next week Tate is going to try and lure Violet to the sweet life long romance of being forever dead, but I don't see her going for it.
Also: When and how are we going to get rid of Hayden? Is this why the Medium was brought on, to drive her out? Because she is really just mucking up the order in Murder House?