Known for innovating by employing technology and features other companies have had in use for years and treating them as Brand Fucking New, Apple is now rolling out wireless charging on its new line of iPhones. Despite hideous initial sales, there’s likely to be a rush to buy up charging stations and Ikea—Sweden’s most famous non-idiot export—is pulling a comfortable, flat-packed chair up next to Cupertino’s money avalanche.
As reported by The Verge and 9to5 Mac, the furniture and home goods chain known for its heavily subsidized cafeterias is running a series of ads which evoke classic Apple apothegms. “Link difference,” “This charges everything,” and the not-quite-consistent but punny “Apple juice” all seek to lure new couples to Ikea’s selection of wireless charging furniture so whoever doesn’t get the VARV charging lamp in the breakup will have to buy another one. (Little-known secret: Ikea’s fully sustainable showrooms are powered by clean, renewable tears.)
There’s the NORDMÄRKE charging pad, the SELJE charging nightstand, and the RIGGAD and HEKTAR charging work lamps, which will almost certainly put juice in your fancy new sadness rectangle slower than the cable included with the phone for free. Like wireless charging in general, many of these products have existed in Ikea’s inventory for years.
Does this campaign make any sort of earthly sense? Ikea not being known for its longevity, these products seem destined to fail catastrophically within two years of purchase—just like every iPhone. What a match.