Who the hell would buy a gold iPhone but a Russian street crook?

Like a terrible winter, the gold iPhone is coming. Multiple sources have confirmed that Apple's next toy will be available in gold. Not real gold, but fake gold-colored aluminum. They will look like 1980s cigarette cases! Would you buy one of these garish things?

Unless you're someone pretending to be rich in Russia, China or some Arab country—the real rich people there only buy real 24 carat gold iPhones—or Mr. T, the answer is probably no.

But perhaps I'm mistaken. Maybe this will be the next big thing and soon, everything will be made of fake gold and glitter—just like everything turned to translucent ocean green plastic when Apple introduced the first iMac.

For sure, there will be many people—people who have been laughing at gold cases and gold coated versions of the iPhone for years—who will find a way to rationalize this naff Apple idea. We will hear things like "Oh, but this gold is different!" or "It's actually quite elegant!" or the more technical "the material finish is awesome, it shows Apple's incredible manufacturing precision, thanks to the magic dwarves who casted metallurgic spells on powdered baby flying rainbow unicorn ponies."

But deep inside their conflicted Apple fanboy brains, they will know the truth they can't handle. At the end of the day, it will still be a fucking golden iPhone. A fucking golden iPhone that will be sold like hotcakes in China, Russia, Qatar, Dubai, and trailer parks all around the world.

Image by Martin Hakej