The Future Is Here
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Why I Bought the Apple Watch Even Though It Makes No Damn Sense

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Even though I know better and am fully aware of the very real technological limitations and have read all the tepid reviews on the stupid thing and know that first generation Apple products aren’t worth the trouble and like most humans, enjoy having a bigger number than a smaller number in my bank account, I still bought an Apple Watch. Here’s why.

Things to know about me: I hate time. I hate notifications. I hate stupid apps. That’s very likely the only three things that the Apple Watch is guaranteed to be good at and I’m 0 for 3. I don’t wear a watch normally (who would willingly handcuff themselves to time?) and when I do, I set the time wrong on purpose or to a different time zone altogether (kids, don’t be like me). An Apple Watch is completely unnecessary and very probably useless for someone like me.


But I’m still buying it.

Look, I’ve had five iPhones. Next year, I’ll buy a sixth. I’m typing all this on my fourth MacBook. Last night, I watched a basketball game on my third iPad and then beamed it over to the second Apple TV I’ve bought. When I listen to music at home, it’s on my second Jambox. When I work out (lol I don’t work out), I might wear my second Fuelband. Kindles? I don’t even remember how many I’ve bought. I’ve broken all my Xboxes and keep re-buying them over and over again. It’s ridiculously easy and comfortable to buy the same thing again. You know what to expect and like, all your stuff is there. And let’s be honest, you’re probably like me too (if you hate Apple, just replace my crapple isheep stuff with Samsung or Nexus and you’ll get the idea). We’re all stuck watching sequels of the same shit: GoPro 4, Pixel 2, Surface 4, S6 and so on.


None of the tech I own is new. They’re just shinier version of the same thing only slightly thinner, slightly faster and ever so slightly better to watch Netflix on. I’ve basically signed a contract valid until my death to re-buy crap that I already have just for the bigger battery. There’s no free will (here is where I point out my laziness) and that’s so incredibly boring (here is where I point out that the advantages of sticking with the products and services you already have are worth it to be boring). It’s like my entire tech buying future has basically been predetermined from the day I bought some white rectangle to listen to music with. I mean, 5 years ago I had an iPhone, an iPad and a MacBook. Right now, I have an iPhone, an iPad and a MacBook. 5 years from now? Yep. I’ll have an iPhone, iPad and MacBook.

And maybe an Apple Watch too. Or maybe not. For the first time in years, I’m buying something legitimately new and it’s... strange. Is this what excitement over electrical wirings in a box feels like again? I don’t remember. The Apple Watch could suck and be slow and annoying to use and ridiculous to wear and I’ll be out hundreds of dollars. But it could also, like, not. And sure, the watch is too expensive compared to the competition and the battery couldn’t charge a nickel (I don’t know what that was supposed to mean) and I’ll look like a total dork wearing it but it’ll almost be fun to have something new to complain about and something to make you wonder what the future will look like and something to dork out on. Like what the hell is there to say about the next iPhone? Spoiler fucking alert: nothing. It’s going to be the same damn thing with a better camera.

This wrist time box could be one of the worst things Apple has ever made, it’s our consumer culture at its worst, it could very well be the physical manifestation of Apple just swinging their inflated ego around just to see which sucker will bite. I’ll bite to try something new and hopefully in the process remember what it feels like to be a kid who likes technology again. It could be the last new thing I buy for a while. Or I might never want to buy it again. It’s exciting to not know.

The Apple Watch has obvious problems. It’s legitimately confusing. You might need to book an in-store seminar at the cult offices just to learn how to tell time. It definitely won’t be as easy as the iPhone but the strange thing is, I actually don’t want it to be. I want to be lost. I want to twirl that damn knob and press that weird button and hard tap that tiny screen just to see what happens. Because I honestly have no idea what will happen.


And that’s basically what I’m buying. The unknown. It’s been a long time since that’s been for sale.