Trick-or-treat night draws close, and with it come the warnings about the dangers (hidden razor blades and saturated fats) lurking in your candy—all the while ignoring the real threat at hand: that house around the corner handing out full-size candy bars.
Understand, the problem with the full-size bar is not too much candy. You people out there who holding out bowls of tiny candy bars with the cheerful instructions to “take a handful or two”: never change. That is the equivalent of a full-size bar, and you are doing the lord’s work.
The full size candy bar, though, is not really about more candy, it’s about competitiveness, it’s about ego, and most of all, it’s a willful misunderstanding of the trick-or-treat process.
Trick-or-treating is about lots of candy, yes, but it’s also about replacing that one large Milky Way that is (be honest) already boring three bites in with a bizarre sampler platter of familiar and unfamiliar treats. It’s deciding that the Sweet Tarts are the perfect offset to the Skor bar, while the hidden nuttiness of a Whatchamacallit may be brought out by the more obvious notes of a Salted Nut Roll, the same way one might pair a nicely charred leg of lamb with a young bordeaux.
And if that is confusing to you, ask the trick-or-treaters in your life what they think about skipping going out this year in exchange for a 18-count box of full-size Hershey bars.
Look, I get it. You just want to make an already fun night even more fun, right? Well, pause for a moment and realize that you are already handing out free candy to children dressed up as very tiny Hulks and space senators with impeccable braiding skills. You think you can improve upon this? You think you are the first to stumble upon some idea to make this already flawless system somehow better? You fool. You’ll doom us all.
Trick-or-treating is already perfect. You can only make it more filled with effort, exhaustion, and set us down some terrifying slippery slope of kingsize candy bars and tiny, fully-functional chocolate fountains.
364 days of the year, the full size candy bar is the right candy bar. One day a year, it isn’t. That day is tomorrow.