Blackberry users, please avert your eye-holes and leave, thanks (I bet they're still here, robot weirdos)
Q: WHY DO WE WANT INSTAGRAM, JULIA?
A: Uh, probably because the filters make your photos look AH-MA-ZING you stupid idiot! Also, it's another outlet where you can receive acknowledgement and constant praise.
Q: OK, I'VE DOWNLOADED IT AND WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?
A: CHILLAX JEREMY! I'm a pretty fabulous teacher: Home –Home is the endless stream of photos from people you follow Popular – the popular page is photos who have like a million ‘likes' (not really, I can't count) mostly Asian girls peace-ing/giggling Camera – WHERE THE MAGIC HAPPENS, JEREMY! You can choose from a bunch of filters like Tea Bag Wiped on Photo or Gothic Sunrise or Grandma's Whorehouse Notifications – Where you can see who's following you/who liked/commented BUT BUT BUT, please click the "following" option at the top and see what your friends are ‘liking' because it's essentially ALL German Shiza Settings – Booooring
Ok, Instagram has a shitload of rules so the following are the ONLY acceptable categories:
People are always all "stop posting photos of your food, lol I don't care!" well I say: "fuck you everyone I went to high school with, I'm pretty confident you want to know what goes into my mouth hole!" and I stand by my statement. Truth is: everyone wants to see what you're eating because they are genuinely interested 100% of the time, fatty fat-fat.
My cat is a magnificent feline and a natural when it comes to modeling. Cats are the glue that holds the internet together and if you disagree, please verbally assault me through Twitter like a real man, Jeremy.
Cat with Food Photos
REALLY CUTE SPIN-OFF OF CAT PHOTOS -SEEMED REALLY NATURAL AT THE TIME GUYS, SORRY!
(I'M NOT SORRY)
Artistic Photos of Yourself
Photos of yourself are probably the most important part of Instagram because online people forget what you look like (never) so constantly bombard them with photos of yourself in the most attractive angle you can find that offsets your Semitic nose.
WHY YES! I am a professional photographer thanks for asking and these photos were absolutely not placed here for the compliments.
Tips When you post your picture use as little words as possible in the caption, examples: "luck" "not horses" "fuck you dad". BLACK AND WHITE IS SO BORING SO NEVER USE IT (use it once) BUT THEN NEVER USE IT AGAIN! Post every hour on the hour even if it's just a pen or an ant or if you're sitting Shiva (it's not like you'll be doing anything but crying anyway, pussy) Indistinguishable pictures of stairwells. Dead rodents. Try not to upload a picture when you're standing in the middle of a crosswalk because you'll realize all your friends are long gone so you walk home in the rain by yourself because no one appreciates your masterpiece nor the time it took to produce it and you can't tell your tears apart from the rain.
Republished with permission from The Impersonals. Follow Julia Davidovich on Twitter.