Gizmodo
We saw the Beamz Laser Music System in pictures last week, but little we knew then how totally demented, how amazingly asstupid and musically retarded this "synthesizer music system" could be in real life. Watch the video after the jump and marvel at the bozonic "one man rock band," the loungetard "quiet reverie," or the male-bonding "jam session." Update: the company has contacted me with some clarifications on this article and a test drive offer
"Everybody sounds great!" they say. Seriously, I had to check twice to see if this was a Conan O'Brien skit or not. Unfortunately, we knew it's just the worst infomercial and product in the history of the internet, available for $600 on April 15. And you have to love the Sharper Image comment when someone asks "are you using pre-sets? It seems that this is just signaling when to play a pre-set?" in YouTube:
The answer depends on the definition of 'pre-sets'. Yes, the product has voices and samples assigned to each beam, but the music itself is generated algorithmically by the beamz software. The user's playing technique determines when and how much of the sounds/melody stream is triggered thus creating a potentially different arrangement with each use.
Please, don't buy this product. [Gizmodo]
Update
So harsh that the public relations company that represents the product contacted me about it. Needless to say, they weren't happy about it:
Jesus: Ouch! - you really nailed us on the beamz video. Okay, you don't like the video - I get that. But that's not being fair to the product itself.Of course, we do think the beamz offers plenty of opportunity for creativity and I am hoping you'll see that when you get the product. It is not meant to be a traditional musical instrument because that takes so much training for people to master. The beamz was conceived and created by an accomplished Hollywood musician and songwriter whose goal was to allow the average music lover to experience the passion of making music.
Without a doubt, everyone who sees the beamz in person and uses it, absolutely loves it. The beamz was a huge hit this weekend at its first major public event - Celebrity Fight Night. You can find photos of the beamz at the event here.
Jesus, it's easy to knock us for a video you don't like - but I'd rather you see and use the beamz, then give us a fair review based on the merits of the product - not based on whether you like the video.
So, as the PR agency representing the beamz, I am offering you the opportunity to borrow a set of beamz for a product review. Are you willing to do that and give us a fair shot?
Matt Silverman
Director of Public Relations
R&R Partners
Needless to say, I'm testing this, even if I risk my soul and mental sanity in the process. Hopefully, it will arrive soon and leave even earlier, but I will give it, like everything else, a fair shot.
Comments
How? why? This century... does this kind of comercial...
on other hand, im thinking someone is going to change the laser set in this to cut ham..or something.
Beamz - "think" potentially different.
Wow, I'm actually angry about this product existing.. that doesn't happen often.
wherethehell's my wallet
WHERETHEHELLIS MY WALLET!!!
IT'S A LIMITED OFFER MAN!!
Good thing they showed us a guy with tousled hair, sunglasses and bluejeans so we know he's rockin'.
I'm sure when they try to take over the ship their jam sessions with Spock will have helped the Federation reason with them...or something.
Yaaay, brother, yay.
wtf...? what year are we in???
Lol "be a hero"
Every single maneuver seems onanistic.
DJ Q-bert does not endorse.
$600? Yeah I'll get a new keyboard, a thermin, and a korg kaossilator. Then I'll be a real hero.
@scarbrtj: I don't know what you said right there, but yes.
The bald, fat guy listening to his quiet reverie looks like he's about to burst into tears, pawing at nothingness on his $600 scam machine in a dark room in a vain attempt to fill his empty, empty soul.
this thing makes everyone look like a cat playing with a ball of yarn or the dorkiest traffic cop there is.
@strider_mt2k:
He means it looks like they're jerking off.
It sounded much more polite the way he said it, but when you're polite it sometimes follows that the point doesn't get across. The point being, everyone in this video is a wanker.
AAAH MORE COWBELL!!!
I'm totally getting like 6 of these for my next formal dinner.
Finally! A product aimed at white, middle class men aged 35 to 45. It's about time someone paid attention to this neglected demographic.
@scarbrtj: that's what she said.
This was so bad it actually made my skin crawl.
*slashes wrist when saw MORE COWBELL*
dear god...
Disney World has a whole bunch of setups that are like this in Epcot except the beam actually corresponds to real notes depending on where in the area you place them.
Oh man, what is with z these days? It used to be kool to insert a k where a c belonged. Is the creativity of back then back in force, or is it the influence of crappy rap music that prompts one two substitute a z for an s, because they've totally misinterpreted the audience and brought them a retarded product, and the only thing they're really bringing us is poor spelling. God hates you, Beamz.
And DJ Q-Bert is the man.
$600 to play nothing but pre-programmed music and seemingly no legitimate musical composition ability? That's horrible, the least they could've done was make it so that you could play it WITHOUT looking like a jackass. On the other hand, it's hard for people not to look that way when they're obviously not musically inclined: no musician with any sort of dignity to his name would ever touch this thing with a 10 foot pole, I can guarantee you that.
apparently you have to bald or on the lam to use this?
@strider_mt2k: I have learned all my fancy vocabulary, and how to be an onanist, from Gizmodo and Addy Dugdale, respectively. (She used the word here first...)
[gizmodo.com]
I imagine with about 30 of these things, Dan Deacon would use em.
Maybe they should have gotten Michael Chiklis?
OMG i need to go buy one at the Sharper Image right now!
Oh, wait...
In for two. The jam session sold me.
Ugh, Jesus, you're right. If I only known then what I know now!
Man, that dude sure can shred! Eddie Van Halen has nothing on him.
I will pick one up when it hits $20 at some novelty store a few years down the line.
I love how they all wiggle their fingers like it's helping when the beam is clearly visible on the side of their hand.
I think you're all missing the point. This clearly isn't a musical device, it's a contraceptive! No one using this will EVER get laid, so it's clearly a total success!
this must be some kind of joke
I haven't seen such intense douche-baggery since the last time I saw Bush speaking about the economy.
I almost spat out my coffee drinking this. hahah
I can totally see Ron Burgundy doing that to impress some lady..
Real world applications? Stick to real musical instruments.
Dammit, MORE COWBELL
"WE'RE SORRY, THIS VIDEO IS NO LONGER AVAILABLE"
Concert Video:
+ Watch video
Excuse me, but I work in film, and I happen to know that John Williams scored the entire new Indiana Jones using nothing but the "Adventure" setting on the new BeamZ xj1000. Its a phenom instrument...
And if you happen to se Yo-Yo Ma at Carnegie Hall this Spring, I wont have to tell you what he's gonna be rockin'.
Yes. The BeamZ xj1000.
So to all you haters, you can all "beam" yourself!
L8R.
@MastaFalse: i believe replacing the c with a k originated as a diss to the crips. i could be wrong on that though...
ps - guitar solo
pps - more cowbell?!?
So basically a child could arbitrarily pass their hands through the beams and make it sound as good as those two dunder heads.
This is to synthesizers as Guitar Hero is to guitarists...a cheap way to make you feel like you're talented, when in all actuality you suck.
Nothing can be this bad. I'm thinking that you guys deliberately put this together to further tarnish the name of a struggling company.
I can't decide who's performance was worse.
The "one man band man" or the bald rhythmless joke-of-a DJ at the beginning. I guess it's a tie for inadmissible suckiness.
@nystreetfilms: Excuse me, stewardess, I speak Jive.
Chomp don't want da help, chomp don't get da help. Shiiiiiiiiit.
This whole thing has to be a friggin joke - I can't take a musical instrument that calls on an SNL skit with Christopher Walken as proof of its "street cred" to be anything but a parody of absolutely ridiculous infomercials, which, despite the plethora of low-cost or no-cost high-quality video editing equipment and software, still look like they were shot sometime in 1988.
That being said, I just saw one at the HAPPY TIME DOLLAR STORE and will be picking it up on the way home for, you guessed it, ONE HAPPY DOLLAR.
I like how the fat guy gets into his reverie. Totally looks like a nu-age Christian finding God for the first time during the last few years of his life.
Was John Tesh behind this device?
I love the Jam Session nothing can make you look sexier than a jam session.
Let's see: white guy, white guy, white guy, white guy...
"Everyone sounds great!" = Asian female.
Implication: Seriously, you don't have to be a white dude to be awesome. Even Asian females can rock out on this miracle product.
I think I threw up a little in my mouth
@92BuickLeSabre: Strider and I were talking about how Asian males can get away with wearing whatever they want and looking cool, actually.
But yes, I'm a white guy, and I'm awesome.
Worst promo video ever? That's a bold assertion.
But I concede that you've got a fine contender here. The Jam Session may have pushed it over the top.
I was actually kinda hoping this was some kind of consumer theremin, but retarded midi controller works too I guess...
I think this product will be so succesful that "scores" will be put on iTunes and Amazon catalog at 1.99 per download.
And everyone will be waiting for the BeamZ single of the week free download.
@SomeAudioGuy:
you can get a decent theremin for $130, so this is quite the opposite from consumer friendly and theremin. Try "B3 Theremin" on the youtubes, its like $140 shipped.
Shoulda gone straight to making the ultimate air guitar and left it at that. This "conductor" style is too goofball to work. Now imagine a hollowed-out Stratocaster lookalike and me and buds would be jammin' . . . after about a case and a half of Bud.
In about ten years, after this product has failed and been all but forgotten, cutting-edge DJs will start buying these on eBay and using them in their setups.
Fantastic Family Fun? Couldn't they get a kid to look at least half-way interested?
turn a chair around, put it on your desk and switch on your music as loud as possible! has quite the same effect....
I'm not sure which made me laugh more... "be a hero" or "more cowbell!"
OMG it hurts my brain that crap like this even exists. And their infomercial makes it even more idiotic looking.
@92BuickLeSabre: I was just thinking the same thing.
I saw this on the in-flight catalog, Skymall and wondered how lame it actually was. Fantastic, 6 binary inputs- Wow, I am blown away.
From the Skymall listing: "makes it easy to lay down a complementary rhythm track from any of 30 original "songs" in 19 musical genres". In other words, you control very little, we control the rhythm, we control the melody- you control how stupid you look.