Gizmodo
At a party once, Jesus was asked if he were a leg man or a tit man. The answer is neither. He's a LEGO man. Well, to be honest, he's all three, but rather like faith, hope and charity, the greatest of my husband's loves is LEGO. I'm not bitter. The colorful, benippled bricks have just been around rather longer than I have. That's not to say LEGO has never caused problems in our relationship. When it did, though, I came up with the following 10-point solution to cope.
To tell the truth, I was once as bewitched by the bricks as he is. We had a massive box at home, a hangover from when my brother, older than me by 11 years, was the snot-nosed kid of the house. (Well, I say massive, but it was barely Yoda-sized compared to J's Millennium Falcon box of LucasTricks.) When I inherited the snot-nosed kid mantle, my brother having moved on to smoking dope and listening to Pink Floyd, I also inherited the LEGO.
And I loved it, back in the days when I was too small to see my father's eyes roll when I begged him to help me make a LEGO pony. How fickle I was back then, however, and eventually lost interest—after all, there are only so many minimalist box-shaped houses you can make with a handful of hereditary LEGO. (I abandoned it for an Eagle-Eye Action Man I'd found, but even that obsession only lasted a few months, once I realized I couldn't get his plastic shorts off with my teeth, a knife or even the help of the dog.)
Point is, I was not fully unaware of the issues when I married a LEGO maniac. I wouldn't go as far as Lady Di did when she said there were three people in her marriage, but there was a point over Christmas when the whole LEGO thing became a bit of a nightmare. (It might have had something to do with the fact that we had become obsessive 24 watchers, and so, unconsciously, every time we saw the Millennium Falcon box, we could hear that bloody clock ticking down.) The pressure was unspeakable, from colleagues and commenters alike. Reader, I must confess that I threw one of the boxes on the floor, mixing up piles of bricks that he had spent hours sorting out.
The look in Jesus' eyes. You may say baleful, but I see your baleful and I raise you pure, unadulterated, naked hurt. A lot of humble pie was eaten that night. I vowed to change, so I came up with a ten-point plan with which to sink my irrational plastic jealousy. Here it is:
1. Have a Spare Room
A man needs a shed—a place his tools can call home, and where he can potter about in undisturbed for hours and hours. Since we're still waiting for LEGO to bring out its life-sized LEGO Shed kit (estimated completion time 4-6 weeks), J keeps the bricks to his Millennium Falcon in the spare room. If we have friends to stay, the boxes are placed reverently on the floor of the office, until the room is vacant again. Blam can attest to this, as he found some LEGO under his pillow when he came to stay in February.
2. Keep the Dog in Plastic Chew Toys
I haven't yet noticed primary colored bricks in the dog's poop, but when I do, I know that we need to go to the pet store again. And if Jesus notices, it'll be time to get a new dog. Joke.
3. Never Hoover
Now, this rule I absolutely love. I have also glued LEGO bricks and mini-figs to the ironing board, the washing-up gloves and the family silver.
4. Always Wear Shoes In the House
Have you ever stepped on a LEGO brick? I know a guy who had to go to hospital to have one of those little one-row brickettes removed from the ball of his foot after he stood on it by mistake. I think you know him too—he writes for Gizmodo.
5. Vote Denmark During Eurovision
I believe there is a trip to the LEGO factory in Denmark coming up in June. Did I want to accompany him, he asked me tenderly months ago? What, and stand in the way of a man and his first love? Feel like a gooseberry as he fingers and fondles the bricks in the factory? No, no, no, no, nonononononononono. No. NO. But do I tell him I don't want to go and get nipple marks on my fingers from obsessive brickplay? Of course not. Anyway, someone has to look after the dog.
6. Regular Visits to the Local Toy Shop
"Have you got that one? Thought so. And that one. Oh look! It's a singing Freddie Mercury doll. Now why don't they do a Freddie Mercury LEGO? Or Bowie? Yeah, come on then, let's go inside."
7. Never Write a LEGO Post for Giz
I value my marriage above all things.
8. Laugh Every Time He Makes You Watch the "Death By Tray" LEGO Skit
This is not exactly a hardship, as Eddie Izzard is funny as fuck. Jesus did actually manage to recite the whole skit when he was drunk in a taxi a few weeks ago. The long, 4am journey home was, believe it or not, alleviated by a slurred version of "Jeff Vader? Runs the Death Star?"
9. Agree That the World Would Be Better If Totally Made of LEGO
How simple life would be. A couple of tiles came off your roof? Buy them from the LEGO store, then go up a ladder and clip them back on again. Kids, we're going to build a swimming pool this weekend. A leaky one, but still, a swimming pool. No, honestly. Imagine, if the world was made out of LEGO you would just be able to unclip rogue states from the globe and dismantle them before putting them back in the cupboard, and then the world would just be a safer place. And what if everyone's hands were shaped like those of the LEGO figures? Well, you wouldn't get any work done, for a start.
10. Try to Relate and Even Join In
Just after his Millennium Falcon arrived, J bought a TIE Fighter LEGO set. "It's for you," he said. "You can do that while I assemble the Falcon." A month later, I had to go back to Britain for a long weekend, and when I came back, I found the TIE Fighter sitting, assembled on his desk. "Oy, I was meant to do that," I said. Jesus shrugged. "I missed you. And I was bored," he replied.
So, there you have it. While it may not be as life-changing as AA or NA's 12-Point Plan, my LEGO-acceptance program keeps us on the straight and narrow. And I know you're all wondering when Jesus is going to present his newly-clicked Millennium Falcon to the world, well, hell, so am I. However, I think he needs an incentive. Any ideas?
Comments
Let him visit www.nicjasno.com for some lego musclecar stuff that i created. :)
is that the illusion of a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
Lol, Great read. I really enjoyed this.
I died laughing at the video.
I wonder who the comedian was...
I'll be submitting this to my wife for her perusal and eventual acceptance.
I may never be able to thank you enough.
I'm a Lego man too. I like my women stacked.
@carmen89:
you could "wonder", or you could just read the article.
*sniff* starred commenter my ass.
@erikislame: Very niiiice... I see your nick is appropriate then!
@carmen89:Eddie Izzard.
@Addy: Oh for cuteness!
@Tony C: Jealousy brings out the inner twerp/jerk in many. Them thar stars are a precious commodity.
Haha classic, you're way more accepting than my girlfriend. She has a 2 point plan for my anime watching, ignore it and hate it. I guess she can't handle the japanese language constantly going off in the background.
Jesus and Addy!
Aren't Jesus and Addy just the coolest couple in the world right now? Married young techno-bloggers. They're the F. Scott and Zelda of the 21st century, which is very cool or very depressing, depending on how you feel about true love and American literature.
@twreckx: I dream of the day I may get a little star beside my name, then I shall rise above the peons and amass a commenter following the likes of which has never been seen! Then we shall... comment I suppose. But there will be pie, no cake though.. The cake is a lie.
Since I am a LEGO fanatic, I most likely will one day use this guide, and I thank you!
But in my wildest dreams, I will find someone that loves LEGO as much as I do, that I actually love.
Sigh.
(Goes back to putting together her new General Grievous.)
I remember my fanaticism for LEGO peaking when i was in 5th or 6th grade. Almost every day i would go to my friend's after school and we'd create a little LEGO world of our own (he had like every set imaginable). We set up a town over the course of the next year or two that basically covered a 10x15 room. Those were the best years of my life, recreating pirate battles, recovering crashed planes off the coast, etc.
Although my intensity with LEGO bricks have waned, i still get a small kit from my mom every year at Christmas.
@jackfrost132: I talked about the same thing with Carmen last night, lol.
@P3nnst8r: Haha I saw that actually. I suspect they get stars for having lovely lady lumps, because lumps + loving tech is starworthy in and of itself.
Oy? Seriously, oy?
Also, I used to be the hero of my ex's nephew. For some inexplicable reason, my brain has partially memorized some LEGO assembly diagrams. I can build some of the first edition LEGO fortresses from scratch. Same goes for some of the Bionicle robots (which said nephew got as presents when we visited).
...
Although I suppose the hero part comes from the fact that I flip pancakes in the air...
Oh, and just to be clear, I wanted to say that I've needed this guide in the past to give to someone else.
If a guy does not get grown men playing with LEGOs, they really don't get grown gals that play with LEGOs.
Addy,
You are always a joy to read and certainly one of the most literate bloggers out there. It is refreshing.
@nicjasno: Pretty cool stuff man. I always wanted to get back into lego technic like your doing. I have noticed that the Big Wrecker and the Large Track crane is not available state side through lego.com for some insane reason.
@erikislame: No one wants to talk about your ass. I was at work and really couldn't look around too far into it and screw you I asked an innocent question and the guy underneath you was polite enough to respond, thank you! By the way your nickname should be eriksadouchebag. :)
Jesus is a lucky man. (but then again so am I.)
Your list is just great, Addy. I can hardly wait for my wife to get home so I can pull her into my un-vacuumed den past the tote of Lego I just got to see it!
My wife recently had to sit through four nights of me sitting on the floor sorting Lego pieces from non-Lego pieces for a couple of hours while we watched TV.
@twreckx: "oh for..." You from Minneapolis?
@carmen89:
People can be so mean here.
I made the same kinds of small mistakes. And even though it says "Eddie Izzard" in the article, it is not totally clear from how it was worded.
Also, even though they've posted this video several times before, it always winds up being on a Lego or Star Wars related post which may not suit your fancy, and therefore you may not have read it, even though you visit quite often. Which his pea-brain may not be able to understand.
Keep commenting, have fun, and un-fuck the douchebags by enjoying yourself endlessly.
@LindsayJoy: haha yeah I mean usually when I comment i read the entire thing of course otherwise there isn't much of a point, but I was at work and I was skimming through the entire article so I didn't get a chance to really sit and read all of it.
Thanks much for making me believe in gizmdo again! haha :)
Addy- you are smarter and funnier than you have to be writing about nerdy gadget stuff, and for that we thank you. Also, I'm going to make my own wife read this, since it makes me look almost reasonable by comparison. Also, I'm very jealous of your residing in Madrid, that metropole of jamon and tauromachy.
Somebody in my building saw me playing with my son in the corridor and gave me a miniature Lego kit to give to him. He said his Mom still gives him Lego kits.
Needless to say, I ended up building it myself. P3nnst8r- do you live down the hall from me in Brooklyn?
Why does Darth Vader have the voice of Anakin Skywalker?
I miss my LEGOs. must get them out the loft soon.
@erikislame:
*cough* ASSHOLE! *cough*
Sorry, have a bit of a cold coming on.
@thirdgen: haha! assholes can do that to your immune system :)
LEGO can be great for a marriage.
Check out the LEGO catalog. You can buy a whip (part #4161403). You can buy chains (part #4512049). Hell it's even got some bush (part #4211622). That is, if you're into cherry picking (item #8292).
P.S. My wife put my Millennium Falcon one week behind schedule due to a "brick sorting misadventure" as well.
I hope I will marry a woman like you one day.
Of course my thing is not lego, so she should be a bit better dealing with obsessed people then you.
You know what, I`ll have her contact you when I find a suitable candidate.
It's because of essays like this that Addy is my favorite blogger. This is classic!
@jackfrost132: My girlfriend is more into anime than the fattest of anime nerds.
God I <3 that woman.
Jesus is a lucky, lucky man (and I'm pretty sure he knows it). Addy, this is great. I think all wives and girlfriends of *insert dorky thing here*-obsessed guys should read this or at least be given a copy at the beginning of the relationship. I think we could save a lot of marriages.
On a side note, saw Eddie Izzard last week here in Philly and he was hilarious. Better show than the last few I'd say.
For those fanatics that don't already know...you can design your own LEGO creation and upload to LEGO...and they'll tell you how much it'll cost and send you the pieces!!!
Great blog! I can fully relate :)
Although the gf doesn't seem to mind the town based stuff and even helps out a bit.
My fascination [Obsession] with these little bricks, has inspired me to work on a brick based video game. Very early taste at whitehexagon.com
I'm trying to relive my "Lego love" through my boys (3 with 5th kid on the way), but yesterday I was vacuuming out the food encrusted mini-van and almost sucked up a mini-fig stormtrooper helmet.
Needless to say, they're on Lego probation now and relegated to Playmobil for the moment. (and completely out of the will)
@Hvedhrungr:
Yeah, I hit that point by the time I finished assembling my fourth or fifth Exo-Toa set. Now, if someone can prove their ability to build the UCS Millennium Falcon from memory, I shall bow in amazement before that person.
@LindsayJoy:
If a guy can't accept that, toss him back.
@-Core-:
Do you mean sets #8285 (Tow Truck) and #8288 (Crawler Crane)? Your "insane reason" would be the fact that they were both released in 2006, and LEGO sets don't stay in production forever. Typically, the lifespan of a set is about 6-12 months before it'll disappear from store shelves, and eventually even LEGO S@H will clear out their lingering stock by discounting them. The rare exceptions are oddball stuff like the UCS Star Destroyer, which has been available on S@H for about 5.5 years now, and very generic stuff like green baseplates, which have been sold in some form or another, unchanged, for decades (even road plates have gone through several complete redesigns).
@sonofray:
I could say things here...but I wouldn't want to embarass a certain someone that I know. :)
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