Up until a few years ago, any lengthy feature on Bill Gates usually elicited a fair amount of words on the Gates-Jobs rivalry. The two tech behemoths were always pitted head-to-head, with the writer pulling together some conclusion on how the soon-retiring Microsoftie was the better businessman, while iMan had a clearer vision of how technology could be both beautiful and functional. But of all the profiles I have read during my exhaustive research of this feature, not one of them mentioned what is without doubt the most important bit to me: sexiness. Before Gates leaves Microsoft full time in little more than a week, we should do one more comparo of the two and explore who is hotter-to-trot. Is it Ladies Love Cool Jobs for the cutie from Cupertino, or does the Redmond romeo just shade it?
For fun: Fun? Fun is for losers. I like to make money. And white things that go "bleep" silently. You think I'm kidding? Well, fuck you, you virgin.
My job: In the words of one of my many imitators, "Dude, I invented the iPhone. And the iPod, the iMac, the MacBook, the Lisa... *continues ad infinitum*
Favorite hot spots: Hawaii, California, NYC, my meditation cushion.
Favorite things: Money, White things, iTunes, calligraphy, the kids, jeans, black turtleneck, Windows Vista (just kidding), Dylan, the Beatles, Coldplay, beards.
Last read: WSJ, FSJ, Gizmodo, The Art of War by Sun Tzu
About me and who I'm looking for: I'm the best. So if you want to be with me, you'd better be the best (although that place is already taken. By me). But the best in your class—as long as that class is Alpha. Impatient, I don't suffer fools gladly. I fight to win, so that means I'm aggressive. I love blondes—like I said, there's only room for one brunette in my life, and that's me. And did I tell you I'm a genius?
For fun: Giving stuff away. Swim night with the kids, driving fast, Africa, oiled-up Graeco-Roman wrestling with Ballmer, oiled-up wrestling with anyone, actually.
My job: I am currently retired
My ethnicity: Binary
Favorite hot spots: Washington State, Harvard, Yale, my beautiful, throbbing brain.
Favorite things: Hoodies, money, research labs, books, science, long romantic walks on the beach discussing phosphates and malaria vaccines
Last read: "Steve Ballmer's Day, 06.20.08", a pamphlet by some guy I've got spying on my replacement, 1001 of the Best Binary Jokes Ever; balance sheets, The Bridges of Madison County.
About me and who I'm looking for: According to Brian Williams, I'm a "brilliant, powerful, let's face it, sexy and good-looking leader of men and women." As for what I'm looking for, well, basically, anyone who's free five weeks from Tuesday, because I've got a window at 7.30pm.
Going back a quarter-century, Jobs was always sexy—as you can see from the hilarious clip below. It is Gates, however, who has come a long way. This vid proves that the Seattle-born brainbox was the '80s equivalent to Facebook's Mark Zuckerberg, that is, not a natural-born sex bomb:
Let me leave you with an anecdote. About a year and a half ago, just after I'd started working here, I had a strange dream. In it, Blam was scheduled to interview Steve Jobs for Giz but, as the appointed hour approached, there was a change. "He wants you to do it," Blam said, coming over to my imaginary desk in the open-plan office of my dream. "Me?" "Yeah," said Blam, the hurt evident in his voice. "But I don't know anything about him," I bleated.
"I know that," said my boss. You've got 30 minutes to prepare."
In the event, though, the interview was an absolute disaster. There was me, a bunch of questions scrawled on my reporters' pad, in the kitchen, making him a mug of tea, and Jobs, chasing me between kettle and cupboard, brushing off all attempts to give him a hard ride, instead asking me how I liked my men (answer: scrambled.) It was not the most successful of interviews—I was far too earnest and uptight, while he behaved like that randy old goat from the speeded-up bit of The Benny Hill Show. I woke up feeling both attracted to him, yet at the same time repelled.
I have yet to dream about Bill Gates.
With apologies to Melinda Gates and Laurene Powell Jobs.