What Is Inside This Huge Mystery Box?

I just can't say because it's under ultra-heavy embargo. The kind of embargo that, if I talk, will make someone to send ninja cyborgs from California to get me killed, chopped, and made into dumplings.

(It's not a TV)
(It's not a portable)
(It's not a dead hooker, you psychos)
(It's not a Real Doll—they come in bigger boxes)