There were few things I wanted more as a kid than a pair of retractable, Wolverine claws. And now that said toy actually exists, I find myself deeply depressed.

The Wolverine Electronic Battle Claw, $20, does get a few things right. As said above, the "blades" are retractable. And slashing produces a surely craptastic series of sound effects necessary in any child's toy.

But not only are the plastic claws dull as can be—they're topped with a childproof bulbous surface, ruining any delusions of superhero identity while dually preventing the claw from ever picking your nose...though probably making the toy a bit more pleasant for "my first rectal examination." Seriously though, Hasbro might as well have stabbed my childhood, painted the claws fluorescent orange, and called it a day.

Send an email to Mark Wilson, the author of this post, at mark@gizmodo.com.