Please Don't Spend $410 on This Bottle Opener

This is the Code-38 Pro Stealth, also known as the $410 corkscrew. Four hundred and ten dollars make for "a complete blend of blasted textures and vaporized titanium based finishes" that opens bottles and uncorks wine. Which is fucking ridiculous.

I'm all for spending excessive amounts of money on unreasonable things, its one of the tenets I live life by. And I hate telling people how to spend their money but seriously, a waiter's friend? Not only is it not worth it, it just means you suck at life. Why? Because opening bottles (wine or beer) isn't that hard to begin with!

The NY Times says the $220 version of the same corkscrew "offers the satisfying, solid heft of a fine tool. It feels good in the hand, like a well-balanced kitchen knife, and it inspires a sort of confidence that I had been unaware of lacking".

And I totally believe the NY Times, but the wine key could feel like Aphrodite's left breast and it wouldn't change a damn thing. It doesn't make wine taste better, right? Michael Madrigale, a sommelier, summed it up best for the $220 version:

"What, $220?" he said. "It's like the $200 hamburger. It's like reinventing something that's already perfect."

Imagine his shock if you spent $410 for one. And now I'm sure you can justify a $30 bottle opener (or even a $80), I've spent $26 on a hamburger and loved it, but spending more than that? And it's not fancy electronics or a snazzy robot arm doing it for you? Please, don't even think about doing it. [Code-38 via NY Times]