The internet is, generally speaking, a garbage dump suffused with vitriol and poison. “But surely,” some might ask, “the one, tiny corner of Twitter devoted to Cool Pope Francis would be a respite for our bitter, blackened hearts?” To which the answer is: of course not, no.


Just yesterday Cool Pope Francis sent this unassuming Easter message to his millions of loyal followers.

How nice! There will always be trolls, of course. But for whatever reason, the Pope’s devout army of followers refuse to follow Twitter’s one and only advisable rule: Never, ever engage. Otherwise, this happens.

Or if you’re particularly persistent, something like this:

But it’s not just inscrutable bickering the plagues the Pope’s Twitter timeline. Cool Pope Francis is the beneficiary of all sorts of virulent, racist, and wildly misspelled 140-character bits of garbage. Since today is Easter—a day of contrition and fresh starts (I think? To be perfectly honest, I’m a Jew)—let’s celebrate by cleansing ourselves of the digital filth that we’ve all hurled at Francis over the years.


But before we can cleanse, we need to assess the damage. Join us as we sample the different flavors of Cool Pope Francis’s (social media intern’s) daily hell.

The Ones That Won’t Give Up

For some reason, perhaps to punish themselves, some Twitter-inclined believers insist on responding. Incessantly. Forever. No matter what.

This one painting inspired countless unintelligible feuds.

Except for thuglyfe here. Thuglyfe makes a fair point.

The Politicos

What’s even more fun than a Catholic that won’t quit? A Catholic that won’t quit who also has angry opinions about politics. And chemtrails.

As DivaRosebud learned, the internet can be hard.

And apparently, a lot of people are very concerned that the Pope isn’t doing enough to combat the New World Order’s chemtrail agenda (because he is not).

Also, ISIS.

The Confused

While the majority of the Pope’s mentions are clearly intentional trolls, there’s a good chance that some of the Pope’s tweeters actually just think they’re using Google.

Either way, at least they’re asking the important questions.

Or, as with HELIOSKORONA here, let’s just be happy they’ve managed to put words into some discernible order at all.


The Harlots

Everyone loves prog-rock sensation Cool Pope Francis. But some people love Cool Pope Frankie a little too much.

Or just enough!

We’re not here to judge you.

You are your own unique snowflake and no one can tell you what your love should look like.

Just take comfort in the knowledge that no matter how warped and lascivious your snowflake may be...

...B John Doyle will be praying for you.



And, of course, so will the Pope.