12 Things More Likely Than You Winning Tonight's $636 Million Jackpot

Illustration for article titled 12 Things More Likely Than You Winning Tonight's $636 Million Jackpot

After tonight's MegaMillions lottery drawing, someone could be walking away $636 million richer. The odds of winning, however, are less enticing: 1-to-259,000,000. But that doesn't mean it's not a good investment! Someone, somewhere, someday is probably going to become disgustingly rich. And that disgusting person could be you!


But it probably won't be. This past October, the MegaMillions powers that be decided to change the odds of winning the lottery—and not in our favor. So to make you feel better (or you know, worse), here are some things more likely to happen to you than winning tonight's jackpot:

Diagnosed With Hemorrhoids: 25-to-1

Being a (Male Aged 25-44) Virgin: 35-to-1

Flying With a Drunk Pilot: 117-to-1

Houston Astros Win the World Series: 200-to-1

Being Deemed Possessed by Satan: 7,000-to-1

Bowling a Perfect 300: 11,500-to-1

Dating a Supermodel: 88,000-to-1

Dying From Choking on Food: 370,035-to-1

Struck by Lightning: 576,000-to-1

Dying From Coming in Contact With Hot Tap Water: 5,005,564-to-1

Being Canonized: 20,000,000-to-1

Being Crushed to Death by a Vending Machine: 112,000,000-to-1

But don't listen to us; go right ahead and buy your ticket–you never know! Just bear in mind that, compared to winning, you're nearly twice as likely to leave this world with an obituary that reads, "He died doing what he loved, being smothered by Cheetos."


MAKE2 Mifune

After having an amazing night of marathon, passionate sex with Miranda Kerr, I leave the hotel room to grab some refreshments from the hallway vending machine. Famished from all of the physical exertion, I start stuffing my face with Snyder's honey mustard pretzel bites. So good.

Those little morsels are delicious, but Miranda's lips are more enticing. I hurriedly eat them and suddenly find myself choking. Panic increases exponentially with each lost breath as I realize I don't have any coins to operate a nearby soda machine. I start rocking the machine back and forth, desperately hoping to jostle a soda out. With a loud groan, the 500lb machine comes crashing down on top of me. The pretzel becomes dislodged from my throat, but it's a moot point, as my lungs collapse from the oppressive, eye bursting, crushing force of the heavy machine.

My last dying thoughts are "so that's how it happens", as I fade into the blackness. A Mega Millions lottery ticket slips out of my pocket and the coroner assigned to handle my untimely death picks it up and takes one dismissive look at it. "Another loser." If he only knew.