Scientifically speaking, April Fools’ Day is the worst day of the year. And as consumers we have only two options to survive the horror that is brands flogging the dead horse known as April Fools’ Day.
The first is to humor them by politely chuckling at their whipping of the stallion’s corpse. The second is to saddle up and ride that poor, rotting pony—pretending it’s alive until these brands provide us with the products and services they’re offering. It’s hard to tell which is the better option.
But honestly, some of the products that brands advertise on April Fools’ Day sound pretty nice. Like Virgin Australia’s Kids Class cabin? No more screaming children kicking the back of your seat? Sign me the fuck up.
But Virgin Australia doesn’t have plans to introduce a Kids Class cabin in 2016, as their video promises. It’s a lie.
To be more accurate, it’s an April Fools’ Day “joke” in the world of Brands™ Twitter. Wouldn’t it be great if they did have this option though? Email them and demand it. Call them. Write letters. Tweet them. You deserve it.
Fun fact: If you google the names of CEOs, you can often find their email addresses. For instance, here’s the CEO of Virgin Australia’s email: firstname.lastname@example.org. I’m sure he’d love to hear from you about the Kids Class cabin. Virgin Australia is a great airline, but if Mr. Borghetti is going to promise us a Kids Class cabin, we better get our Kids Class cabin.
Below is a semi-exhaustive list of April Fools’ Day “jokes” that require your attention. Contact the companies and demand that these products and services be released. Remember to be as pedantic and obtuse as possible. Be polite, but demand that you get your hovering shopping cars, drone ATMs, and 3D-printed doughnuts. You saw it on the internet and the internet wouldn’t lie to you.
Google Express Parachutes
Who wouldn’t want a cute delivery service like Google Express to deliver things by parachute? Oh, it’s a lie? Well, I guess we’ll have to demand it anyway.
T-Mobile’s Binge-On Up
T-Mobile has a new product that holds a smartphone in front of your face through a combination head-mount/selfie stick. Is this really that much more ridiculous than half of the tech products we encounter in 2016? No. Tell T-Mobile you want one of these fucking things. Now.
A McDonald’s Big Mac Blend juice actually sounds like something that will exist one day. So contact McDonald’s and demand it. Personally I’d opt for the french fries but that’s just me.
Apparently Hulu wants to hijack Netflix and Chill or OKCupid or whatever with a service called Hulu Datr. Well, that sounds perfectly fine to us. Contact them now and say that you’d like to sign up. Don’t stop contacting them until they give it to you.
Sony Proton Pack
Hey look, Sony’s releasing a Proton Pack! Just like the one in Ghostbusters! Sony wouldn’t lie to you, would they? Give them a call and let them know that your grandmother recently died. Tell them all the agonizing details of her death and tell them that this Proton Pack is the only thing that will allow her to finally find peace. They might tell you that it’s just an April Fools’ Day joke, but don’t believe them. Your grandmother didn’t raise a quitter.
Moshi has a speaker that follows you around like a drone. Or they would if they weren’t toying with our hearts. Let them know that you want it. And remember, be as obtuse as possible and don’t give up until they give you this product.
Self-Driving Bike From Google
Hey look, it’s a self-driving bicycle! Who wouldn’t want one of those! Email Google and demand it. Now.
Burger King Chicken Fries Shake
Oooh, the combination of savory and sweet that a Chicken Fries Shake could provide wouldn’t be the most outlandish thing Burger King has ever offered. It’s a lie, but contact them now. There’s no good reason why you shouldn’t have one.
White Castle Drone Delivery
Carnival Cruise Submarine
Carnival Cruise Line Australia is promising a submarine by 2017. Looks neat, doesn’t it? Well it’s a lie. Tell Carnival Cruise that you want to ride in one. Don’t stop until they’ve literally given you a ride in a submarine.
Quilted Northern Artisanal Toilet Paper
Man, this “artisanal” toilet paper does look a bit rough on the buttocks. But I’m sure there’s someone out there who would enjoy it. If that person is you, demand that Quilted Northern make this product.
Wonder Workshop’s WonderPaw
Have you ever wanted your dog to learn how to code? Wonder Workshop has developed an app that teaches them to do just that. Except that they haven’t. Because they’re just lying. Lies. All lies. Tell them you want this product now.
McDonald’s on the Moon
McDonald’s in the UK has promised us a McDonald’s on the moon by 2017. And, to be honest, that wouldn’t have sounded like an outlandish promise in the 1960s. Contact McDonald’s and tell them you want it. Their April Fools’ lie must become a reality.
Coles Supermarket Hovering Shopping Cart
In Australia they call shopping carts trolleys. But whatever you call them, I want these ones that hover. But it’s a lie. Tell Coles you want one. It’s only fair.
Krispy Kreme 3Doughnut Printer
Man, this looks neat. If Krispy Kreme is telling consumers that they’re going to make 3D printers then they should make some fucking 3D printers. Either they give it to you, or we stop April Fools’ through sheer force.
McDonald’s is offering something called the mmmBox, which apparently isn’t a reference to cunnilingus. Either way, demand that they start to offer it at your local Mickey D’s.
Belkin’s Wrist-Candi Band for iPhone
Belkin announced a new band for the iPhone today. It’s all lies, but honestly it doesn’t look anymore ridiculous than half the shit on Kickstarter. Tell Belkin you want one and don’t give up until they give it to you.
Bank of Melbourne’s Drone ATM
A real, live ATM drone? How neat! It’s a lie, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t demand to get one hovering around your neighborhood.
Burger King Single-Wrap Fries
Burger King in France is promising consumers single-wrapped fries. And we say, why not?
Australian on-demand delivery start-up Deliveroo has a product that allows you to order products using only your mind. Frankly, this thing is going to exist in the near future. So why not demand it now? Deliveroo promised it. And again, the internet wouldn’t lie to you.
iFixit’s Smother Bag
Hoverboards catching fire are no joke. So tell iFixit that you want this thing. Sure, it already exists and thus isn’t really a very good April Fools’ “joke” but tell iFixit you want theirs. You can’t live without it. You’ll literally die without it.