Want to not get murder-kidnapped by a hyper-sexual control freak? CSI:Cyber provides a very helpful guide on what not to do: Don’t use your phone’s location services while taking selfies if you’re a 5’2 brown-haired young girl who uses social media! Duh.

A very grossly decomposing dead girl named Elizabeth Marks is updating her FriendAgena (Facebook, duh) page, so our team, led by Special Agent Avery Ryan (played, as always, by Oscar Winner™ Patricia Arquette) is ON. THE. CASE. in “Selfie 2.0” which is, frankly, the least “cyber” of all the CSI: Cyber episodes thus far.

Why abduct a girl and keep her alive on social media?” Krummy asks. As the strident folks of CSI: Cyber do not care to dwell in ambiguity, we soon learn the answer: To hide the fact that she is dead.

who DOESN’T girl

Mundo uses what’s basically an FBI-developed Murder Tinder to isolate the dead girls’ physical assets to look for other similarly YOUNG PETITE ‘N’ HOT dead girls.

Advertisement

“Five foot two, eyes of blue,” he whispers, because despite all previous character development pointing to Mundo being, if anything, a rampant Creed enthusiast, he’s apparently got the lyrics for Art Landry’s 1925 hit song “Has Anybody Seen My Gal? (Five Foot Two, Eyes of Blue)” in his head.

awkward

Come on now CBS, I know you know that your viewership is a tad on the senile side, but if this isn’t pandering to olds then I just didn’t watch an entire episode of CSI:Cyber in an airport lounge drinking Heineken, which is what I just DID!

Advertisement

Apparently it’s “lore” in the Federal Bureau of Investigation that this obscure Art Landry song represents the ideal woman for big ole creeps. “Ninety years later, five foot two, eyes of blue is still the physical preference for sexual predators,” Sifter says. Of course, he is demonstrably incompetent, and upon learning about a potential mass-kidnap-murderer he starts humming the words to an old-timey song instead of, you know, leading a criminal investigation. Once again, Sifter does *****absolutely nothing***** of any use the entire episode but he does make this face:

head of the cyberderps division

The team decides that it’s likely that the person who killed the dead girl is currently holding someone else who is five foot two and has eyes of blue hostage, so they start narrow down the people most likely to have been taken. Turns out the victims have ONE THING in common: A love of taking selfies with location data TURNED ON. “Every time they took a selfie they broadcast everything about themselves and didn’t even know it,” Mundo says.

Advertisement

The team figures out that the kidnapper hunts the girls by tracking their selfies to see when they were easy to abduct. By watching security footage of one of the kidnappings, they learn he keeps seven girls in his “perverted harem,” and brands them— and uses one of them to do his dirty work. One of the girls, Vanessa, is brainwashed enough to do the bidding of the kidnapper (whose name is Jasper, because CSI: Cyber always goes for the really obvious creep names).

Avery tracks down Vanessa’s sister, who explains that they were molested by their father and that’s why she’s now such a crazy bitch. At this point the show has shown a lot more sort of rip-off Saw footage of the captive girls getting branded and abused in the kidnapper’s dank basement and it’s juxtaposed by Krummy and Nelson saying things like “hollaback” non-ironically and the whole episode feels really tonally inconsistent. They lure Vanessa to arrest and she’s not very cooperative, but she gives them enough information to get to the awful rape dungeon.

Once there, Avery does some standard-issue procedural drama standoff mind voodoo tricksterism to kill Jasper before he opens fire on the girls. Everyone is rescued, except for Elizabeth, of course, since her corpse kicked off the episode. Turns out, Vanessa killed Elizabeth because she was jealous of Jasper allowing her to go to the supermarket, which leads to a flashback that contains the line “Jasper only eats gluten-free bread.”

Advertisement

I’m not entirely convinced this episode wasn’t just someone’s rejected spec script for Law & Order: SVU reworked to include a few more dating site references and nonsensical tech jargon.

Cheeselights

  • There’s an entire subplot about Avery and her patient Trish’s sister, who has been driven insane by the death. But it’s kind of confusing and pigeon-holed in and it bored me so I’m not gonna talk about it
  • Avery’s litany of excuses about why she’s not guilty for the death of Trish’s sister was pretty good though. “This was early internet! Before firewalls!”
  • “You work 7 days a week, 18 hours a day,” Avery says during a weird appreciation monologue to Krummy. Wait, what? That’s...a lot. Like, maybe too much? Does he get mad overtime or what?
  • Shad Moss vest watch:

Advertisement

Orange. What a bold move. Perhaps Nelson is an enthusiast of the upcoming Dutch holiday King’s Day.

  • Nelson actually references obtaining a warrant using the Stored Communications Act this episode! Progress!
  • Terrible definition graphic of the week:

Advertisement