Poor oral hygiene is the surest way to make sure you have a bunch of personal space all to yourself. At all times. With no exceptions. Which probably isn't something that you really want! So here's a list of stuff that'll keep your loved ones close and your dentist the hell away from you.
First and foremost, you need you a fancy toothbrush. Old Giz editor Jason Chen stood by his Phillips Sonicare toothbrush, and we don't see much sense in disagreeing with a gadget that cleans bacteria from itself with freaking UV sanitation. It's like putting a hospital in your mouth, in whatever sense of that isn't totally gross. Price: $120 [Amazon]
Every time my dentist tells me I'm a complete idiot and won't have any teeth by the time I'm 30, his prognosis always starts with a simple first step: floss more. But I kinda hate flossing, even with those little bits of floss on the ends of a sort-of toothbrush. I don't know why. But maybe this Airfloss contraption from Sonicare that blasts the muck from between your teeth instead of scraping it out will do that trick. Price: $80 [Amazon]
You know those tongue scrapers you see people using in 80s movies while they're inexplicably wearing footie pajamas, or whatever the hell was going on then? Forget'em. Check out the Orabrush tongue cleaner, which is a little like a toothbrush for your tongue, but I like to think of it more like a toilet brush. Because your mouth is freaking disgusting. Price: $5
So maybe this one isn't going to improve your teeth directly, but nothing crimps my buns quite like a poorly squeezed tube of toothpaste. And while you can get a squeezer roll just about anywhere, hanging it on your wall seems like a nice way to clear clutter if you don't have a medicine cabinet in your bathroom. Price: $5 [Amazon]
You brush your teeth at night and again in the morning, but in the in between? Total effing chaos in your mouth. You grind and bite and do all kinds of junk to your teeth while you're unconscious. And sure, the nighttime mouth guard's a go-to joke for asexual middle-aged folks. But what do you think is more likely to scare someone off, a mouth guard in a drawer or teeth that look like a game of Pick Up Sticks? Price: $22 [Amazon]
Well yeah, you've got the 'pensive toothbrush covered. But if you travel frequently, you might want to take a look at this fancy DiamondClean toothbrush with its own USB travel charger and drinking glass. Because nothing sucks like running out of batteries and having to brush with a giant immobile electric toothbrush that isn't electricing. Price: $190 [Amazon]
Ok, so let's say that you aren't motivated enough to put any of these products into effect. First of all, gross. Second of all, don't sweat it: better living through technology is getting close to being able to wipe out almost all of your hygiene needs with UCLA's new narrow-spectrum anti-biotic mouthwash. It's not available widely yet, but researchers say it'll let you just rinse with it twice a week and forget brushing or flossing. Price: Continuing UCLA research