Frankenfight: Apple "iPhone" Vs. Greek Gods

This image was lost some time after publication, but you can still view it here.
This image was lost some time after publication, but you can still view it here.

The iPhone monicker has been burned deep into the hearts and minds of both man and journalist alike. Its mythology has transcended that of even the elusive touch-screen iPod or Apple tablet, bordering on archetype.

But exactly how strong is this mythology? Can the iPhone's legend stand up to the greatest myths of the history of man: those of the ancient Greek civilization?

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There is only one way to find out...and it involves the three-headed ancient god of reason that is the Frankenreview.

This image was lost some time after publication, but you can still view it here.
This image was lost some time after publication, but you can still view it here.


iPhone vs. Apollo

This image was lost some time after publication, but you can still view it here.
This image was lost some time after publication, but you can still view it here.
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Apollo was the most beloved of the all gods, and he was the god of music and supreme master of the golden lyre.

The iPhone can play any music style and any recording converted to the supported digital formats.

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Winner: iPhone, because who the fuck rocks out to the lyre these days? Except Sting, of course (aka god of my heart).









iPhone vs. Sirens

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This image was lost some time after publication, but you can still view it here.
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The Sirens were beings who could entice mariners with their song, only to destroy their ships on the rocks.

Studies have proven that cell phone use while driving can lead to more accidents (some surely involving collisions with rocks).

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Winner: iPhone, unless the driver is in close proximity to the Bermuda Triangle, where reception is difficult, and the Lock Ness's brother can team up with the Sirens.

iPhone vs. Atlas

This image was lost some time after publication, but you can still view it here.
This image was lost some time after publication, but you can still view it here.
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Atlas, as punishment for siding with the Titans, was forced by Zeus to literally bear the weight of the sky on his shoulders.

The iPhone, after the sucktastic RKOR and Chocolate, is now holding up the hearts and expectations of fanboys everywhere.

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Winner: iPhone, because oxygen floats and hearts are more difficult to hold in bulk (more slippery, sorta gross).

Steve Jobs vs. Zeus
Zeus is a god.

Steve Jobs just thinks he's a god is also a god.

Winner: Zeus, due to lightning bolt powers.

Brian Lam vs. Epimetheus
Epimetheus is synonymous with "hind-sight". His actions in betraying Zeus and his brother Prometheus (foresight) led to all suffering and despair being released on mankind.

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Brian Lam teased the release of the Apple iPhone.

Winner: Tie.

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DISCUSSION

If you're going to be a dork, get it right. Prometheus was the god of foresight, and Epimetheus was the god of hindsight. It was Epimetheus' lack of foresight that led him to distribute all the positive traits to the animals and leave none for man. This precipitated Prometheus' gift of fire to mankind, so they could be competitive with the animals. For this betrayal, the gods chained him to a rock and a vulture ate parts of his liver daily for like, two centuries.

Epimetheus' lack of foresight also let him to marry Pandora, a gift from the Gods, after Prometheus had warned him about accepting *anything* from them. We all know how that turned out.

Furthermore, Atlas, their brother, was punished by Zeus for siding with the Titans, not betraying them. Atlas, Prometheus, and Menoetius sided with the Olympians and in doing so they betrayed their father, Iapetus, who was a Titan.