Hollywood Steve Jobs Returns to Disgrace Apple's Magic Garage

Illustration for article titled Hollywood Steve Jobs Returns to Disgrace Apple's Magic Garage

Ashton Kutcher's cinematic opus, jOBS—yes, it's spelled like that—is getting real. How real? People who look nothing like the characters they're playing have entered the Jobs family home, where Apple was born.

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These shots from the Los Altos set show Ashton Kutcher, like a broke-ass Shaggy from Scooby Doo, doing his best to look dour. The more dour he appears, the better the movie will be, because that's how showbusiness works, guys. It will compensate for the fact that there's nobody competent in charge of writing or directing this movie, and that an unfathomably superior version penned by Aaron Sorkin will make this look like the Apple Lisa of films (computer joke).

Illustration for article titled Hollywood Steve Jobs Returns to Disgrace Apple's Magic Garage

Kutcher has his Serious Actor face on, trying to capture the angst and complexity of the Tyrant-Genius Jobsian Godbeast CEO origin story. "I hate computers! I hate shoes!," he thinks to himself.

Illustration for article titled Hollywood Steve Jobs Returns to Disgrace Apple's Magic Garage

Meanwhile, the "Let's Put a Beard on This Fat Guy" attempt at Steve Wozniak looks like some sort of strange 70s bounty hunter, and not at all like the actual Woz.

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Illustration for article titled Hollywood Steve Jobs Returns to Disgrace Apple's Magic Garage

Also, here's Bill Gates for some reason, inexplicably lurking around the Apple garage, up to no good. "I'm gonna steal your software!" We can't prove that's an actual line from the movie, but it could be. At least the garage is the actual garage.

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Photos: Miguel Aguilar/Nathanael Jones/Pacific Coast News

DISCUSSION

I'm getting really tired of Giz dumping on this movie before it's even finished. Kutcher looks nothing like Jobs? Are you f*cking blind? He's not a twin by any means but it's certainly close enough for a movie.

I hope the film does really well just so Giz has to eat their words.