You’ve probably dreamed about owning a bidet. Maybe you’ve even rehearsed the pitch in your head—a bidet-equipped bathroom is a more civilized one, encouraging sensible hygiene with a touch of sophistication that says “we’ve been to Europe”—but are you confident enough to actually lobby for one?
Enter the CuloClean, a pop-in top that transforms any plastic bottle into your own portable bidet. And because its hand-powered, CuloClean (translation: AssClean) lets users shoot water at their butts with as much or little force as they desire, whether that’s the gushing spray of a clown’s lapel or the gentle trickle of a woodland spring.
That San Pellegrino on your desk, having outlived its original purpose of signaling your refined, adult taste? The CuloClean breathes second life into the vessel as discrete butt-bottle. Our-little-secret might even replace the stealthy office-wide bidet installation you’ve been planning for months—which, admittedly, presented several obvious obstacles. Even if you did manage to evade your boss’s notice for one to three hours, there would be the uncomfortable questions to deal with. (“Oh, what, this banjo case?”)
On Amazon, users seem to appreciate the tiny toilet paper alternative. “Fantastic product any day, but especially during the COVID-19 run on toilet paper!” writes one. “[I]t’s not an ‘obvious butt washing bottle’!!!” gushes another. “I have reduced my toilet paper consumption by more than 50%”
Compatibility, however, can be an issue, with some on the site offering personal recommendations: “I’m having good luck with 20oz Mt Dew bottles.”
You might even want to use CuloClean to exact revenge on the monster who keeps swiping your drinks. This is one use-case we emphatically do not endorse. To everyone else: “Don’t drink that.”
Why is Gizmodo suddenly so interested in CuloClean, you ask? A new content partnership maybe? No. We are a gadget blog and simply admire enguiniety, whether it happens in the garage or the bathroom. And, of course, the ecological benefits go without saying.