Russian intelligence agencies allegedly have a video showing several prostitutes who were hired by Donald Trump to urinate on each other. And if this video really exists, then Penthouse, America’s most venerable pornography magazine, is willing to spend $1 million for it.
Yesterday, Buzzfeed published a 35-page document that’s been swirling around Washington for months. It alleges that the Russians have a lot of leverage over President-elect Trump, including some blackmail material. Like a tape of several sex workers hired by Trump to urinate in a bed at the Ritz-Carlton in Moscow. President Obama and the First Lady once slept in the bed and the goal was to allegedly defile the president’s honor. Or something.
Ridiculous nonsense? Probably. But if you really do have this tape, you could make out like a bandit. You just need to give Penthouse exclusive rights to the tape.
The Wrap’s Debbie Emery got a statement from Penthouse, explaining why the magazine wants the video so badly. Kelly Holland, the CEO of Penthouse, says that they’re not happy with simply printing rumors about Trump. Only by publishing the tape will people be convinced that this actually happened. And as a respectable pornographic institution, they want to get to the bottom of this piss take.
We, along with the rest of the free world, are intrigued by the report alleging President-Elect Donald Trump employed sex workers to perform a “golden showers” show in the presidential suite of the Ritz Carlton hotel in Moscow.
However, while many media outlets are content running a story based on conjecture and rumor, we at Penthouse are committed to the value of getting the story right rather than getting it first. So we are offering up to $1-million to secure exclusive rights to the FSB tapes documenting Trump’s Russian hotel hijinks. After all, seeing is believing.
Penthouse Magazine has a rich history of celebrating people’s differences, fetishes and sexual preferences. We have also made great steps educating the public on the difference in having wild kinky fun versus engaging in risky or damaging behavior. We are comfortable giving our president-elect the benefit of the doubt, but if this footage exists, we the people deserve to know the truth.
The Trump administration has denied all the allegations in the report, of course—though Trump has yet to specifically use the words “piss,” “wee-wee,” or “tinkle” in any of his tweets about the matter. Trump has, however, used the word “leak” in scare quotes and questioned whether we live in Nazi Germany. So there’s that.
Donald Trump has never appeared on the cover of Penthouse, though he has appeared on the cover of Playboy, GQ, and the short-lived Trump magazine. But as a capitalist, an entertainer, and a seeker of truth, I’m sure Trump can appreciate Penthouse’s desire to acquire the rights to this piece of history. (Provided it exists, of course.)
If the tape does exist, one hopes that it eventually finds its way to the Smithsonian. Or the pile of rubble where the Smithsonian used to be after Trump starts World War III over the mere allegation that he stayed at a hotel that didn’t have the name TRUMP on the side of it.