So I had kind of a rough week. I lost some things I probably shouldn't have lost. I had the cops called on me as I sat frozen by a motion-sensing alarm. Some of these situations can be avoided. Others... can also be avoided. They can all be avoided, okay? Here's how to avoid, at the very least, going nuts over lost valuables.
Cobra Tag
Let's start off with the basics. Most phones have some kind of Find My Phone functionality, but what about your keys? What about your, well, anything else? Cobra tags sync up your goods with a mobile app and let you monitor the distance between all of them. So you can, for instance, use it as a homing beacon for your keys, or for the pesky four-year-old who won't stay put for more than five minutes. $60
A Why-Didn't-You-Think-of-This-Sooner Utility Belt
You've never seen Batman misplace his batarangs, have you? No, you haven't, because he's got them on his person at all times. I get it; stuff feels clunky on your pockets. You need to set your bag down from time to time. That's why you need a utility belt to cram all of your stuff into. $18
A Totally Socially Acceptable Wallet Chain
You know the easiest way to hang onto your wallet? Get a bitchin' wallet chain. I know, I know, you'll get punched in the face by, well, yourself when you get dressed every morning. But would you guys rather be too cool to wear your sensible chains around or suffer the indignity and inconvenience of a lost wallet? What's that? You'll have to get back to me? $15
A Beach- and Bedroom-Friendly Metal Detector
Sure, these are (sort of but mostly not really) useful for finding buried treasure at the beach. But you know where you could really put one to good use? In your sh*thole of a bedroom when you're 20 minutes late and still can't find your goddamn keys. $90
A Drug-Sniffing Canine
Sure, we can help you find your gadgets, gizmos and whatsits, but what if you lose you, uhh, other valuables? You shouldn't be afraid to use the very same ways to find them as the professionals. Narcotics dogs aren't cheap to train, but marriage of man's best friend and bro's best bud seems like a golden match. $5000-$8000
The Magical Stay-Sober Pill
Leeeet's be honest. A lot of the time something goes missing, even stolen, you probably could have been a little more watchful if you'd been a little more sober at the time. You might have noticed something was amiss, or maybe not passed out on a subway station floor, or done whatever it is that resulted in the separation of you and your property. Well, this death-inviting wonder drug will probably help (or kill) you once it's finished. Send your donations today! $Research and development