You haven’t seen bad pixelated cleavage until you start looking around the off-brand junk drawer world of unauthorized Kardashian apps.

The Kardashians released a sleek new suite of official apps yesterday, but when you search for them in the App Store, you’ll find a lot more than Kim, Khloé, Kendall, and Kylie’s sanctioned offerings. Just as the Kardashians initially succubi’d onto Ryan Seacrest and Joe Francis until they could climb to a more respectable echelon of fame, some bold developers have been cashing in by hitching their horribly designed apps to the high-femme Armenian-American glamor brand.

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That means there’s a fat assload of weirdo bootleg Kardashian apps you can download. Most are boring. Some are so weird I wouldn’t be surprised if I hallucinated them after falling into a vocal fry-induced trance watching an E! marathon.

Kardashian Pie- In Your Face, Kim!

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Whack-a-Mole, but with Kim’s head. There’s no pie involved, just a menacing, anthropomorphic spray paint can.

Most striking feature: Thinly veiled hostility

App design: (2/10)

The Official Kim Kardashian Application

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The now-defunct official app for Kim’s first fragrance was released in 2010 and it doesn’t look like a single good thing has happened to it since Kim found better stuff to do. It’s the Kris Humphries of apps.

Most striking feature: Salient reminder of how far Kim’s social standing rose this decade

App design: (4/10)

Kim Kardashian Fit In Your Jeans By Friday

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Kim appeared in iPad-exclusive workout app in 2010.

Apply everything I just said about Kim’s fragrance app to this, but let me add that working out in XL hoop earrings in an office was a bold choice.

Most striking feature: Premium video content for fans of workout tops that show off the entirety of your underwire bra

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App design: (4/10)

Flappy- Kardashian Edition

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If you like Flappy Bird but wish the bird was a roughly rendered graphic of Kim’s head, have I got a treat for you!

Most striking feature: Plagiarism

App design: (3/10)

Flying Kim

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Another Flappy Birds rip-off. I’ll let the people who took the time to write an app review speak for me here:

Lord Disick In the Line- Guide Scott to His Manor

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“Lord Disick In the Line-Guide Scott to His Manor” manages to stand out among the Kardashian knockoffs as especially terrible.

You move Scott’s pixelated head on a winding route to Calabasas, but if you bump into the edges of the comically nondescript purple road, you die.

The wee Disick head is hard to control. Getting Scott back to his “manor” is impossible. Which could be a comment on Kourtney’s inability to steer Scott away from his Patrick Bateman partyboy lifestyle. The road is monotonous and pointless...just like an addiction. :(

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Or it could be a bad app.

Most striking feature: Apropos metaphor for Scott’s floundering life and relationships

App design: (1/10)

Go Girl Kourtney Kardashian

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Kourtney didn’t launch an official app like the rest of her sisters, which I respect. That doesn’t mean she’s ignored in the basement baby Kardashian app world. Unfortunately, this app is terrible. You just tap tap tap a little Kourtney head in between two lines of bubbles. If you hit the bubbles, you die. There is no variety. Just endless futile tapping effort until death.

Most striking feature: Aptness as comment on the doomed and circular nature of Kourtney’s futile quest to fix Scott

App design: (3/10)

JosieKardashian

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At first I thought this was some random girl kapitalizing on the Kardashian name. It kinda is, but this app is a collection of YouTube videos put out by a transgender teen who took the last name “Kardashian” because she’s a fan, and it’s sweet and I can’t hate on it.

Most striking feature: Heartwarming digital teen content

App design: (6/10)

Follow Kim Kardashian

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I got briefly excited while downloading this, hoping it was some sort of Gawker Stalker-but-only-for-Kim type deal for paparazzi. Alas.

This app is just a homescreen with a picture of pre-Kanye Kim, and then two screens inveigling you to “Follow Kim Kardashian” without offering an option to do so. So there’s nothing to do.

Is it an experimental meditation on the way fame establishes surface recognition but not true soul-knowing? Or did Twitter just revoke access and render this app even more unnecessary?

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Most striking feature: Example of how Twitter’s shifting policies towards third-party access can impact the efficacy of an app.

App design: (0/10)

A million “Kim Kardashian Trivia” type apps

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There are many Kim Kardashian trivia apps, yet I do not have one in particular to recommend, mostly because they are riddled with pop-up ads and rank inaccuracies (one insisted Kim was born in 1986, a vile lie).

Most striking feature: Induces low-grade stress headache when you realize you’ve memorized Kim’s weight, what is wrong with you.

App design: (4/10)

Tyga Kingin’ World Tour

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Tyga is perverted Humbert Humbert dumpster scum who looks like a cold hot dog had sex with Tiger Woods and gave birth prematurely. He does not deserve our attention. This app is kinda fun though.

Most striking feature: Celebrating statutory rapists

App design: (8/10)

Dentist Game for Kim Kardashian

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I don’t understand this app but I am afraid of it.

Most striking feature: Relentless terror

App design: (0/10)

Kim Kardashian My Girl

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You insert images of pre-Kanye Kim into photos you take on your phone. It’s great!

Most striking feature: Kim’s original face

App design: (10/10)

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