This is in fact, modern art.
This is in fact, modern art.
Photo: Victoria Song (Gizmodo)

In case you hadn’t heard, CES fucks now. That much was evident at this year’s CES Unveiled, where more than one sexual health and wellness company was allowed to show off their wares—a change from last year’s fumbling prudishness. This year includes Morari Medical, the maker of a wearable meant to help solve premature ejaculation in penis-havers. It is, as you can clearly see in the photo above, a taint bandaid.

Behold this no-penis-having mannequin with what appears to be a bandaid underneath its smooth, Ken Doll-esque giblets. I tried to get as close-up a look as I could without looking like a total creeper, and from what I could see, it was a bandage-type patch that was stuck onto the mannequin’s taint with some duct tape. There wasn’t much else to Morari Medical’s booth besides this. Just a computer with a slideshow spitting facts about premature ejaculation next to black-and-white pictures of handsome men who are clearly distraught. I did, however, get some answers.

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First of all, the taint bandaid doesn’t have an official name just yet. That’s because, according to the company, it is an “early-stage prototype” for the “first wearable solution” in treating penis-havers who inadvertently cum too soon. The idea is to develop something that uses “neuromodulation” to help the brain communicate better with ejaculatory nerves. I had to admit, I had no idea what neuromodulation even meant. A google search now tells me it is “the alteration—or modulation—of nerve activity by delivering electrical or pharmaceutical agents directly to a target area.” A peep at Morari Medical’s website also describes its prototype as the first external, transdermal product with aims at “inhibiting the nerves of the penis, thereby delaying an ejaculation.” The whole point of making it a taint bandaid is to make it discreet and unnoticeable to sexual partners.

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Okay. There’s a lot to parse here. (Like did you know that “morari” is Latin for delay? Chef’s kiss of a name.) Does this mean you’d be sticking an electrode to what might be one of the most sensitive parts of the body? Or would it be like... a topical analgesic numbing sensation? To be fair, premature ejaculation is probably humiliating for some people, and it would be objectively good to destigmatize getting help for those affected by it. But is a taint bandaid the best way to do it?

Another serious question: What would happen if you ripped the taint bandaid off? After all, you surely couldn’t wear one until the end of time. Since all of Gizmodo’s penis-havers were unavailable at the time of writing, I sent a picture of the taint bandaid to my partner. I asked him if he would ever be okay with me ripping off a bandaid-type device from that area of his body. He responded immediately with a “No, please, no. There’s so much hair.”

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It’s a good point. Would a hairy taint impact this prototype’s effectiveness? Like, would it adhere properly? Would that require the user to regularly shave or wax that area? Would most dudes be on board with this if it granted the ability to go the distance in the bedroom?

I texted the same question to many of my other penis-having friends. None have responded because they’re all cowards—though I suppose their radio silence proves Morari Medical’s point that men feel shame talking about the issue. Still, if it worked and was painless, a little more manscaping in exchange for not jizzing too fast is a pretty good trade-off for every one.

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Consumer tech reporter by day, danger noodle by night. No, I'm not the K-Pop star.

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