Toss a Coin at These Witcher Toys, Until They Go Away

Something very tragic has happened to everyone's favorite bard, Jaskier.

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Jaskier plays his lute and Gerlat holds aloft his word in front of a rampaging Kikimora in this action figure display.
See how good Geralt looks here? Now look below...
Image: McFarlane Toys/Netflix

McFarlane Toys has been releasing The Witcher action figures for a little while now, but they’ve all been based on The Witcher III: Wild Hunt video game. It was a smash hit, but let’s be honest with ourselves—all we’ve really been waiting for are toys based on Netflix’s wonderful live-action adaptation of The Witcher, specifically Geralt (Henry Cavill, dreamy despite his preposterous wig) and Jaskier the bard (Joey Batey). Perhaps we should have waited a little longer... ?

The first three Netflix Witcher figures (via ToyArk) are currently available for pre-0rder, specifically Geralt, Jaskier, and the Kikimora, aka the monster Geralt battles in the very first episode of the show. The regular action figures are seven inches tall and have 22 points of articulation, which is not unimpressive! It’s their appearance that’s the issue. Let’s start with Jaskier, who I remind you appears like this in the show:

Joey Batey as Jaskier.
Joey Batey as Jaskier.
Image: Netflix
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And yet his action figure looks like this:

Image for article titled Toss a Coin at These Witcher Toys, Until They Go Away
Image: McFarlane Toys/Netflix
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The torso is fine, and his head is scaled right, but his face looks like it was sculpted for a 3.75-inch figure. His chin and cheeks are massive. Honestly, in comparison, the Geralt figure nails Henry Cavill’s visage, especially in the group image up top. But when you separate the two...

Image for article titled Toss a Coin at These Witcher Toys, Until They Go Away
Image: McFarlane Toys/Netflix
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Yeesh. At least the Kikimora looks good, but McFarlane Toys has always been good at sculpting monsters:

Image for article titled Toss a Coin at These Witcher Toys, Until They Go Away
Image: McFarlane Toys/Netflix
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Plus, the Kikimora also comes with an alternate, bloody head that you can plunge Geralt’s sword through to replicate the slaying of the monster. Geralt comes with the sword, of course, as well as a fabric cloak and an action figure stand, while Jaskier’s accessories include his lute and a base of his own.

Both Geralt and Jaskier will force you to toss about 30 one-dollar coins to retailers each, while the Kikimora will run you $40 or so. They’re available for pre-order now, but should be available in November wherever action figures with dodgy likenesses are sold.

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