Trader Joe's Swears It's Not Dealing Those Drugs From Riverdale

Riverdale has a bit of a drug problem. First, there was the maple syrup racket that actually turned out to be a racket of a more illegal nature. Now, we’ve got Jingle Jangle, the Pixie Stix-eque concoction that’s found its way into many a teenager’s bloodstream. However, Riverdale isn’t the only spot for Jingle Jangle, it’s also at Trader Joe’s. Is the hipster grocery outlet secretly dealing in the Sugarman’s stash? They say no, but I have some suspicions.


A reporter from Vulture reached out to Trader Joe’s after spotting a supply of Jingle Jangle at one of their stores. The rep said it’s “very safe to say” that Trader Joe’s Jingle Jangle has nothing to do with Riverdale’s pseudo drug—rather, it’s a chocolate candy mix that’s been around for awhile (they were dealing in Jingle Jangle before it was cool, man). They also sell it as an ice cream. But Joe’s official statement is a little suspicious.

“Trader Joe’s Jingle Jangle was introduced years ago,” the rep said. “It’s just a fun name that plays off of sleigh bells referenced in Christmas carols, since it is a holiday item. It’s also a fun way to describe the sound customers might hear when they give the tin can a shake.”

Oh, really? It’s called that because it sounds like a sleigh bell? Because that’s not what you said in 2014, Trader Joe’s! In a December 2014 newsletter, Trader Joe’s actually described Jingle Jangle like something you’d find at a drug-fueled lovefest instead of a grocery aisle. Boom, sleuthed:

Neither characters from a ‘70's-era Rankin-Bass cartoon nor lyrics to a cowboy ditty referencing spurs, Trader Joe’s Jingle Jangle is descriptive of both this collection of chocolate covered “stuff” and the way you’ll feel when you open up the tin and grab a handful. (We’re thinking “jingly” and “jangly” like Woodstock-era folk-pop. Stay with us here.)

Trader Joe’s also wrote how “the challenging part of creating this mix was knowing when to stop”—sounds a bit like an addictive personality problem to me, throwing in whatever will get you hooked. Then, they added: “Don’t you feel all jingly and jangly just thinking about it? Imagine how good you’ll feel once you get a handful.”

I’m onto you, Trader Joe’s. You want to get me hopped up on sugar, only able to satisfy the craving with more Jingle Jangle. I’ve figured out your secret.


You are the Sugarman, Trader Joe’s.





I’m still amazed that Riverdale has a drug named “jingle jangle.” Or that Riverdale is a thing. A real thing and not a parody. A serious real thing that seriously really exists and includes a drug named “jingle jangle.”

Man, the CW is a helluva drug.