Screw you sparkle vampires — this week's season finale of True Blood showed us all how a real blood sucker deals with the sunlight. This week, our vampire friends from Louisiana pulled out all the crazy-pants stops, delivering one if the most ridiculous action scenes I've ever seen. Crusty vampires fight murderous lunatics, with help from one little naked man — but that's not even the best part. The full finale recap awaits you, including spoilers.No plot twists this week: True Blood went straight for the kill and yes Rene is the big bad fang banger killer, but worse than that he FAKED his Cajun accent (It's like I don't even know who you are, Rene!). This episode went right to the chase, with Jason being all sad over the fact that he murdered a bunch of girls, and Rene freaking out and trying to kill Ms. Sookie before she figured out he was the bad guy. And to all of you that said, "Noooo Rene can't be the killer it's too obvious, too blatant!" I say: It's True Blood people. There was very little doubt in my mind that they would pull a one-over on me with this killer nonsense. Granted, I was not happy at all that it meant saying bye-bye to cutie family man-ish Rene (especially after seeing his long flowing haircut of Christmas past, last week). But it was pretty obvious that he was going to be the bad guy. In other news Tara is all comfy cozy in her rich person digs, and meets another young, black teenage rebel who plays guitar (which is bad TV code for someone who has depth and inner turmoil). While Tara starts living the high life, Sam freaks out as Maryann is a bad, bad pig meditation lady. Bill walks in the sun to save Sookie from Rene, and turns into an extra crispy vampire, thus winning her love back. But alas, it probably won't last now that angry baby Jessica vampire is back. Down the well with you baby Vampire, that outfit is horrendous. The episode ended on a big cliff hanger as Lafayette is missing (presumably eaten by a pig or kidnapped) and now there's a dead leg in the Detective's car. We'll miss you True Blood, but we're extra excited to learn more about troubled teen guitar player and pig lady. The Pros And Cons Of The Finale True Blood: Pro: Maryann's creepy bald manservant who steals Tara's phone and doesn't speak. This is exactly how I would like my manservant, quiet but mischievous. Pro: The Fellowship of The Sun. I'm really interested in this side plot from their scary speeches down to the cult-like symbol that represents the group. More of this please. Pro: "Nobody ever listens to me, but they should." Oh nutty, Terry you are my replacement Amy and Eddie, I was very sad to see those two characters go, but then you you warm my heart with crazy-talk like, "Your hair is like a sunset after a bomb went off, pretty," thank god someone on this show is still interesting now that everyone else is dead. Pro: Naked Sam carrying burnt Bill and crying Sookie, probably the most amazing thing I've ever seen. That was one of those scenes that was probably better on paper than recreated for the screen, but still I couldn't stop laughing through the whole thing. Thanks for bringing that to life, big fat wet Sookie tears and all. Pro: Arlene shows up with flowers and just points them at Sookie, I'm just glad she's done lecturing people, but I'm really surprised at how she rushes to Sookie's side. She was going to marry Rene, doesn't she care at all? Sure she was sad and all teary eyed, but I wish they would have given her a little depth. Pro: I adore the tiny angry preacher from the "Sun" with an even scarier haircut. And of course Jason gets excited there's lots of clapping and screaming. Pro: Baby vampire Jessica is back, yay and dressed and acting exactly how I would expect a Twilight fan to behave. Con: Eggs Benedict blargh bad joke and his fake guitar playing is terrible. This guy has got to go, and no more wistful glances into the beyond when you think of all the bad things you did. But I'm slightly curious to find out what his special powers are as well, I hope he's a tiny nymph...they have those right? Con: The devil in disguise song playing on Jason's truck with Rene in it. This show uses music in the worst possible way. It's like they Google key words and then pick the song with the most obvious lyrics, same goes for Ray LaMontagne's "Trouble" spinning in the background while Rene is in Sookie's home. First off that song is old and the playing it something that has the word "Trouble" in it does not mean it's the right fit for the situation. Con: Lafayette gets attacked by a camera, con for the camera and con for even thinking of killing Lafayette. If you kill him, I'll quit you, True Blood. Con: Bill's response to "You're alive," from Sookie is "Well technically no." Sigh, just when I was happy that he was saved, he goes and makes a comment like that.
The finale was somehwhat disappointing for me. The Rene/Sookie chase scene was a little straight outta every horror movie. And Bill going out into the sun to help Sookie? He just got in the way. I know it was "proof of his love" or whatever, but is he really over her smooching with Sam after he was gone a total of 3 days?
And Jason. What. The. Fuck. His entire plot this season has been about his expanding his horizons and accepting vampires, then a brief visit from this church converts him? Let's keep in mind that said church supports the killer, whomever he might be, the same killer and tried to kill his sister and successfully off'd his grandma. He wants to side with them? Really? The Fellowship of the Sun stuff is interesting, but why does it have to be viewed through Jason? It makes no sense. Why not Tara, who could use some solace and already hates vamps.
And how could you not "con" the "cajun accent for actors" scene? How cheesy was that? Why would they need to establish that when Sookie makes the comment about his thoughts not having an accent? Lame.
And WTF is with Sookie? Is she the most completely insensitive bitch ever? She knows Sam loves her, gets all buddy buddy, he saves her life, and then she back with Bill and talking about getting married.
And Lafayette? No comment until next season cause I'm just trying to process the rest.