WTF did we see last night on True Blood? And will we ever be the same for viewing it? Let us explain it to you Pro/Con style.
We've got a lot of material to cover Con/Pro wise, before we can get to the meat of last night episode. And by meat I mean terribly disturbing sex scene. So let's get on with it!
The next episode picks up right where it left off. Vampire versus wolf, versus Sookie and her pants pistol.
Con: This Matrix bullet opening scene. True Blood you don't have good enough special effects to be wasting money on this ridiculous thing. We know vampires move fast we don't need to see the bullet make little spirals of time and air in Sookie's house. We're good, vampires, they're fast, gotcha.
Con: What are the noises that Eric is making after he inhaled that werewolf? Vampire hairball?
Pro: "I got your rug all wet," says Eric to Sookie with a marvelous shit-eating grin. And for some reason Sookie isn't having sex with him right there on top of the naked, dead, waxed werewolf. Something is wrong with her, beyond the light-fingers thing.
Meanwhile back in Mississippi:
Pro: An actual show that I watch on TV, with great ratings, just had a scene where a vampire, in full horse riding jockey attire, is all pissed off because she was just LIT on FIRE. Man I love this show.
Pro: "It's like Armageddon in here every time someone chips a dessert glass." Aw Talbolt and the King fight just like I would, if I was a really hot rich gay vampire dating vampire royalty. Vampire royalty, "Just like Us!"
Pro: The King's condescending Faangs reminder to Bill, like scolding a little child.
Pro: The King laughs when he talks about how Lorena wanted Bill to watch as they killed Sookie. In his defense, it would be kind of funny.
Pro: The King's little moment where he talks about turning Talbolt and makes this "Mmm that's commitment" noise, like "Mmmm cookies," but sweet. Also why is it impossible to turn Sookie? Bill says, "Impossible." Is it because it is impossible or because Bill is so hung up on retaining his humanity in silly ways like maintaining a home and a slutty waitress girlfriend? I tire of Bill's tortured soul, especially when he has no qualms doing things like lighting his ex-girlfriend on fucking FIRE. Quick healing powers or not.
Con: Excuse me what is this?
Con: Sookie says she'll never fall for Eric's blood bullet sucking trick again, ha ha a ha ha ha ha foolish child. You will.
Con: Tara's sex noises and motions. Her whimper, eye-rolling act is RUINING sex with Franklin Mott. Nothing says "turn on" quite like watching your partner seize their way to climax.
Pro: Franklin saying No because Tara's saying Yes.
Con: Just in case you forgot. Sam's family is trash, see? SEE? DIRTY UNDERWEAR! Watching poker on TV! The worst! Sigh. Also the crotch angle, there's another Con there for sure.
Pro/Con: Jason has a new destiny, being a cop, ok sure. I can juggle this plot point too, why not?
Pro: Mott cuddling after sex. He is just, wow. I'm not even annoyed by his pause talking delivery or the cliched, "You're lost in the vampire orgasm void" statements. He's just ridiculously sexy. "I'll be in my bunk" - appealing.
Pro: What's up with everyone at Fangtasia? There's lots of good in this little moment! Hooray for Pam getting some, for Jessica having silly phone etiquette where she repeats who she is and this zinger: "Did you call the hypothetical hardware store and buy a theoretical chain saw?"
Con: Once Pam gets "back to business" there's a zoom in on a sliced up cherry pie in Merlotte's. PIE? GET IT!? Eating pie, pie=vagina. We know better than to ask for subtlety on this show, but come on.
Con: Jason is 0 for 22 on his test police questions, and I'm bored with this police talk. Thankfully Jason has switched the conversation to giving Hoyt bad advice while loading up his belt with mace.
Pro: "I'm a ninja level marksman."
Pro: Arlene is finding out 100% if she's preggo or not. Her doctor says the baby is three to four months old, and she's really surprised. So if it's not Terry's baby whose baby is it? Our lover from the first season with the amazing hair, Rene? Twist!
Con: Egg's funeral. No more wasting precious vampire sex time with this character please.
Pro: I guess it was nice that Sookie used her Eric money to pay for Eggs' funeral, but still enough with this guy. He's getting more screen time now than when he was on the show.
Pro: Historical Vampire Flashbacks, in which we learn that Bill still really likes them young. How old is his wife?
Con: The whole point of this flashback is to learn that Lorena took Bill's humanity and taught him that he can't have relationships with humans. I thought we learned all of this in a previous Vampire Bill flashback. I mean it's cool to see what Bill's original wife looked like and be reminded, in a very grotesque way, that he has children. But the whole thing was a bit predictable. And lacking Nazi werewolves.
Con: Jason is having "we've seen it before" test freak out dreams.
Con: Every time Jason imagines a bullet in someone's head he actually HEARS the sound of a gun firing.
Pro: Meet Alcide Herveau - he's a werewolf. And runs after and grabs Sookie like he's dancing with her. Strange, sexy, and one more character that's going to fall in love with Sookie, no doubt.
Pro: Eric gives Lafayette a Lotus, oh of course it's the most ridiculous car money can buy. Forget it Jake, it's True Blood town. And it's absolutely not going to go with the, "Strange plywood hut you [Lafayette] live in." Is Eric laundering money for the Queen or something? I don't get the reasoning, but at least he was trying to make financial sense what with making Lafayette pay the insurance and all. UPDATE, some people are saying it's a SV 9 Competizione. Sure!
Con: I think Lafayette is more than happy with his afghan collection thank you, Mr. Northman.
Pro Terry is happy about Arlene having his baby, well of course he is, he's Terry. Sadly this only reaffirms our belief that it's not his. This will kill Terry. So a little bit of a Con as well.
Con: Who goes to a bar and order a tray of individually poured, different colored shots? Sam's family, the trash heap gang, that's who. Will these people exist for a second on screen without the show feeling the need to remind us that they are filthy, filthy, filthy white trash? What are we learning from this that we didn't already know. Next up, Sam's family thinks McDonalds is fancy! I'm counting the seconds until the Deliverance moment.
Pro: Jessica and Mott say their hellos:
Pro: Jessica is the last to know everything! Bill is such a terrible Dad, we're I'm secretly hoping Mott steps in and makes her bad, but just for a bit.
Pro: Cooter drinks ZIMA! Seriously Cooter. You and me. Drinks on you, I'll bring the jolly ranchers to mix in the bottles. Green Apple for me! BFF 4 EVA!
Con: A bunch of other stuff happened, Tommy was caught breaking into Merlotte's but he turned into a bird. So yeah. Mott is messing with Tara's head for either more sex, information about Sookie and Bill, or both. We kind of hope it's not sex with Tara, but there's no way. This vampire was made for being intimidating and having sex with things.
Con: Sookie goes to a werewolf bar named LOU PINES that has PICTURES of actual wolves on walls. For reasons. So much for secrecy? No wolves here! Not in the bar named wolf with wolf pictures, and bikers.
Pro: Sookie asks if she's dressed appropriately, when is Sookie ever dressed appropriately? Isn't she wearing a see through lace top? I feel like this is appropriate. You're 100% appropriate Sooks, being all "hey sex me," to the 50-year-old ex-convicts, not so much with the appropriate.
Pro: But all of this was just filler. Filler for the greatest vampire sex scene you've ever seen in your entire life [I am lying]. The whole thing was an offensively stimulating, crowd stopping, room silencing tragedy. Bill is mad at Lorena, again. But instead of lighting her on fire this time he bites her, screams "I'll NEVER love you! NEVER NEVER NEVER!" He then rips off her clothes (also while screaming) and rip twist her head half way around her body, all while having sex with her. Here just, just watch it:
Pro: But it doesn't stop there, just to thoroughly mind fuck you. Lorena, in her little mouse mew voice between vampiric, pants-still-on-thrusts says, "William I still love you." Our reaction was this:
Yeeeeesh boy, brother, and oh dear. True Blood that was, well, that was something. Can they top this? I mean is "screwed the head backwards" the new "nuked the fridge?" Yes, everyone watching the finale with me laughed pretty hard about a few minutes after it aired...but I think deep inside our heads we were still screaming like Bill. And that screaming may never stop. But yeah ok, Pro.