Two important things happened on Sunday's True Blood. First, everybody told Bill he sucks (he does suck. You SUCK, BILL). And second, the most epic girl fight in the history of shows about vampires who mash their naughty bits took place. To the Pro/Con mobile!
Okay, so was anyone else completely elated but also simultaneously bored out of their skulls by this episode? The fight was amazing, the weird Eric man-boy taunting was great, and so was the constant drinking. But the rest of the episode could have just been eight cast-members running around with their hands in the air screaming "True Blood!" Because it all seemed like just more filler.
Or maybe, just maybe, this is the exact same kind of shtick that made us fall in love with this series from the beginning, and we've been so long wandering the desert of vampire conference rooms that we're hesitant to let joy grasp our nether regions and give it a good, hard shake. Does anyone remember laughter? We do now, True Blood. We do now.
So yes, this episode was peaks and valleys of screaming lunacy, and that's great. Just great. So let's get this monkey started, before Newsroom comes on and sucks all the happiness out of my soul.
Con: Eric and Bill are standing over the steamy remains of Nora (IT'S HOT BECAUSE SHE WAS SICK, GET IT? YOU GET IT.) Eric is piiiiIIIIIssed. Specifically at Bill, because Bill is a god and couldn't save Nora. They argue, and Bill says the douchiest thing to ever douche out of douches who can see the future douchily. "The visions come to me as they come." Ugh, if I have to hear a psychic or oracle or the Hamburglar EVER talk about their gift being unpredictable one more time, I WILL KILL THIS BOX OF KITTENS.
Pro: Meanwhile Eric is all "Mwaaah Bill Bill, mwaaaah Bill." I missed this guys.
Pro: "You are taking me for a ride with your mind." And the hits just keep on coming. Good Vampire Burn, Vampire Eric. "PRAISE BILL!"
Con: Meanwhile, back at the murderous werewolf pack, this girl character (who is not important enough for me to Google her name) is all pissed, because Alcide won't MURDER INNOCENT MOMS. When did this guy's girlfriend become some kind of weirdo murderer? When did werewolves get so stupid? Don't they have lives and trailers they need to protect? You can't just run around murdering everything, guys — at some point that will catch up with you. No matter how many naked woods threesomes you create along the way.
Con: Jason is now some vampire lady's bitch. This will probably be important later, but not now. For now it is just IMPORTANT FILLER, for future plot twists. Also, Terry died and those fairy girls died too — so by True Blood law, new characters must be introduced ASAP. The cast list must not dip below 2,788.
Pro: I can't believe I'm saying this but... Tara is growing on me. She's a lot smarter as a vampire than as a human character. Could I even be down with Tara getting more TV time? LOL, probably not. But maybe.
Con: Sookie goes to tie up Warlow, promises to be his wife fairy person if he trades his blood for Bill. Yeah, this is a good plan, that won't end in bloody tears.
Pro: SAM SAID, HEY ALCIDE? HEY ALCIDE??
Con: Sam is pretty forgiving to a guy that almost murdered him with his teeth.
Pro: Jessica and James are cuddling on the floor. Sure, OK, why not? Vampire James is okay.
Pro: "Oozy but productive." Yay, Pam is funny again!
Con: Sam cleans out Terry's locker and there is a tiny Felix keychain. FELIX IS AN ORPHAN, Y'ALL.
Pro: I was wondering how they were going to keep Steve from drinking the True Blood. This does not bode well for Vampire James.
Con: Pro just cheers-ed to the safety of two women who were kidnapped and beaten. Seriously, fuck off, Sam.
Pro: Sookie's T-shirt of the angel poster and/or diaries we all had in our bedrooms.
Pro: Slamming Southern Comfort. Was this episode sponsored by shitty brown liquor? Also is slamming SoCo a thing that people do alone?
Pro: Sam can smell when his new girl is pregnant. So can Alcide. Because of course they can.
Pro: Does this mean Alcide is cool again? Out of nowhere, he's acting like a normal werewolf person, so that's nice? I don't know. I do love how everyone just forgot the he and his kin murdered the shit out of all those kids.
Pro: LOL, the prison cells are morgue drawers. Nice. Also another good Pam moment.
Pro: Lala makes Arlene breakfast, forgives her without thinking twice, and does this amazing "look at you eating bacon" wave/clap gesture that I'm not sure I could pull off even if I tried from now until the end of time. "You and me is cool." *waves hands* I am lame.
Pro: Bill grows a spine, and tells Sookie he doesn't really give a shit about her marriage deal with Warlow. It is awesome.
Pro: "How about that, you motherfucking monster?" FINALLY someone says it. Look at Sookie and Bill, growing! Right in front of our eyes. Now stab each other!
Pro: Steve Newlin on the Vampire Hampster wheel, under his ex's thumb. One additional pro for the Ex-Mrs. Newlin's torture trickery. Girl is good at this.
Con: Sookie goes to Merlotte's, hits on Sam. I immediately erase all the credit I just gave her for calling Bill a motherfucking monster.
Con: Sam loves this girl now. OK SAM, what is her middle name? Or last name? Hell, what was she doing five days before you met her? You remember when LUNA, your girlfriend from last season, died and gave you her kid as her DYING REQUEST. Which you happily threw at her grandmother so she could live a crap life on the road. Good job, Sam.
Pro: Arlene's outburst is fantastic, but is sadly eclipsed by the other awesomeness happening in this funeral home: Andy's sass. "I would seriously love for this to stop… I'm trying to decide if it's going to be more uncomfortable in here or out there." Andy we are all you right now.
Con: I feel like we spend a lot of time talking to cement slabs on this show.
Pro: The True Blood boss stops by. Of course there is a bottle plant ON TOP of the Vampire Camp.
Pro: And the most amazing thing happened. Sara Newlin loses her fucking mind and tries to murder this random True Blood exec like they do in the movies, by neck snapping. Obviously, she fails miserably. But this GIF will live on forever.
The amazing doesn't stop! The woman is killed by her own fancy shoes! Sara stabs a woman to death with a high heel. And just when you think its over, she starts crying and praising Jesus. Tonight, we are all winners.
Pro: Sookie decides she'll be Warlow's Corpse Bride. Me too!
Con: There's a whole other storyline with Eric stealing the fairy momentarily and stuff, but that's just build up for later. Hopefully not to injure Andy in any way, because this new father must be about to snap when it comes to vampires and his daughters. Erm, daughter.