What would happen if the famously grizzled German director Werner Herzog was allowed to reinterpret the legend of Santa Claus? You would get a consciousness-shattering tale of an omniscient dwarf who judges us from afar, tabulating our sins.

This imitation of Herzogian prose is brought to you by Ryan Iverson. For more scary St. Nick, check our recent review of the evil Santa film Rare Exports.

Thanks for the tip, Emma!