With Kick-Ass in the theaters this weekend, you may be considering superheroics as a career yourself. But wait! What kind of superhero will you be - the neighborhood champion or the deodorant-eschewing, bloodthirsty lunatic? Find out now!
INSTRUCTIONS: Tally up your total at the end. No. 2 pencils only.
1.) Why are you a superhero?
A.) I'm deeply perturbed by the criminal element in my community and too lazy to start a local chapter of the Guardian Angels. (+0)
B.) I've been doing this gig for like 80 years. Even I don't remember anymore! (+3)
C.) Broads! (+5)
D.) My family was the victim of the criminal element. Also, I enjoy dressing up as a ninja. (+7)
E.) My Underoos become slightly tighter at the prospect of wanton murder. (+10)
2.) What is your weapon of choice?
A.) Fists and a sunny disposition. (+0)
B.) Non-lethal armaments that cause nasty contusions. (+1)
C.) Anachronistic weaponry that I am inexplicably skilled with. (+4)
D.) Guns. Enough guns to make the NRA prolapse in fright. (+7)
E.) Untreated mental illness. (+10)
3.) What describes your costume best?
A.) Just my everyday duds. (+0)
B.) Some sort of demure spandex bodysuit. (+3)
C.) Some sort of fabulous spandex bodysuit! (+5)
D.) Kevlar. (+8)
E.) Body odor. (+10)
4.) A criminal is absconding with an old lady's purse! You…
A.) Chase the thug down, deliver an inspiring oratory, and retrieve the purse by convincing him to see a social worker. (+0)
B.) Chase the thug down and give him the ol' one-two, sweet chin music. (+3)
C.) Chase the thug down and shatter his solar plexus. (+5)
D.) Shoot the thug and hand the purse back to the old woman, who has suffered a massive coronary (+7).
E.) Kill the thug. What purse? (+10)
5.) How do your fellow superheroes regard you?
A.) "BWAHAHA!" (+1)
B.) "He's good for counterfeiters and crime gangs, but pretty useless when it comes to Darkseid." (+3)
C.) "She's unusually effective against aliens and cyborgs for someone with the same level of training as a silver medal-winning judo master." (+5)
D.) "He's so damn good at his job, he makes me look bad. And I'm a telepathic time-traveler." (+7)
E.) "Arrest on sight." (+10)
6.) Are you a legacy hero?
A.) No. (+0)
B.) Yes. (+1)
C.) Hmph. (+10)
7.) Do you fight crime with a significant other?
A.) No, I'm more like a lone wolf. By choice, of course. (+0)
B.) Yes, and Booster Gold counts. (+3)
C.) No, and Robin does not count. (+5)
D.) Yes, my gun. (+7)
E.) No, sex makes my boner for crime go flaccid. (+10)
8.) What city are you most familiar with?
A.) New York City, circa 2010. (+1)
B.) Metropolis, circa 2010. (+2)
C.) Central City, circa 1945. (+3)
D.) Gotham City, circa 2010. (+4)
E.) New York City, circa 1985. (+10)
9.) What's your greatest weakness?
A.) The fact that you don't have any real superpowers. (+0)
B.) The fact that you care too much. (+1)
C.) Overzealous Spanx. (+5)
D.) Daddy issues (+7)
E.) Law enforcement. (+10)
Now tally your results up to see what kind of street-level supe you are!
The Neighborhood Watch (0-10): You're good for patrolling the neighborhood, but not much else. Unless you're Mr. T from Mr. T and the T-Force; you scored an A+. (No, this quiz is not graded.)
The Friendly Fisticuffer (11-40): You're a salubrious presence in the neighborhood, even if you're an affected dink in your own eccentric millionaire kind of way. You scored low on sociopathy and high on general competence. Your idols are Ted Kord and Oliver Queen. You could be one of those senile Golden Age supes who just fights crime because you have no idea what year it is.
The Sociopathic Pacifist (41-60): You may not kill people, but you're a pretty spooky guy. Chances are you're teetering on the edge of some psychotic episode, eh Bruce? You could also be an amateur superhero like Kick-Ass who has no compunction shattering coccyxes.
The Dubious Superhero (61-89): You carry kalashnikovs. Do superheroes carry kalashnikovs? Maybe Rob Liefeld superheroes? Whatever, Frank. You know what, Frank? I prefer Wild Dog. I liked his fashion sense better.
Rorschach (90): "Soon there will be war. Millions will burn. Millions will perish in sickness and misery. Why does one death matter against so many? Because there is good and there is evil, and evil must be punished. Even in the face of Armageddon I shall not compromise in this. But there are so many deserving of retribution ... and there is so little time."