This prototype, featured at Panasonic's booth at CES this year, will point out the flaws on your face. They have a dude testing it but you know this shit is aimed at the Evil Queen who trembles insecurely within us all (it also shows you how you'd look in different types of makeup). The mirror points out problems like large pores and recommends Panasonic products that can fix them. It will update you on your progress each week to let you know if you got less ugly.

It doesn't yet appear to recommend eating the heart of the most beautiful young girl in the kingdom but maybe we'll have to wait for the consumer version.

Stelle Audio Clutch

I initially thought the whole look-it's-a-purse-but-WAIT-it's-a-speaker! thing was fun until I realized that you can barely fit anything into Stelle's line of speaker purses and they cost $350.

These speakers actually look like reasonably fashionable clutches, but they're not cheap enough to be a fun novelty prank and they...do not function as clutches. This means the person holding this will have no place to put all the stuff they'd normally put in a clutch. I can't imagine anyone would be keen to not wear a purse so they could wear this instead. I guess you could wear two purses, one a real, functional bag, another a speaker, but then you'd look like a dork with bad decision-making skills.

And for playing music at home, why the hell would women want speakers that look like a purse? Speakers that look like speakers are fine for everyone.

Little Viper Pepper Spray Self-Defense Bracelet

A regular old canister of pepper spray might clash with your outfit. Here, try this rape bracelet.

Stelle Audio Earbud Locket

I am fairly confident that no one of any gender has ever longed to let their earbuds trail down to end in a cheap-looking plastic necklace. But maybe there's someone out there willing to pay $200 for this affront to common sense.

Misfit Swavorski Shine Slake Set

Misfit makes some solid fitness wearables, but the most obnoxious trend in women's wearables is to just make a sparkled-out version of something that already exists. It does remind me of fancy old ladies engaging in a gin-soaked war of the wits in Boca Raton, which is a plus. But as a fitness band For Women, it's ostentatious and unnecessary.

MICA (My Intelligent Communication Accessory)

This $500 collaboration between Intel and Opening Ceremony is actually kind of cute from a bracelet standpoint. But from a smart wearable standpoint, it's crap. You can't get messages to your phone rerouted to it. In fact, it doesn't connect to your phone at all.

Instead, it gives you a whole new phone number to give people so they can text the bracelet. If you want to respond to one of those texts, you have to choose among canned responses, because it has no keyboard. Not sure how this can bill itself as an intelligent communication accessory if it only lets you communicate by selecting something someone else wrote. "My Not Very Useful But Admittedly Quite Pretty Canned Response Accessory" is more apt.