Illustration for article titled Why Vampires Are Sooo Six Seasons Ago

True Blood's long awaited final season has arrived. Two episodes in and I'm very underwhelmed. I stuck with it through the witches, werewolves, and other supernatural beings, but for some reason, I'm relatively unexcited for its impending vampire apocalypse. However, I'm going to watch each episode regardless—for the blood and the boobs. As should you.

In order to make season 7 more exciting, watch season 6. In order to make season 6 more exciting, watch season 5. Repeat this process until you're just watching season 1 over and over again. After adequate emotional exposure to True Blood, you're ready to dogmatically enjoy season 7. And at the very least, you'll feel good about "getting" every joke.


True Blood starts out like your normal HBO soft core: Girl meets vampire, falls in love, sex, cue zombie apocalypse. Because that's the corporate recipe for cinematic success these days. And I think a lot of people were lured by the show's sexy "alternative" vampire appeal. I mean, I fell victim to it, too.

I initially got into True Blood because of its loosely constructed allegory that mirrors the fight for LGBT rights in the States, and what makes that first season so enjoyable is its adherence to this script. However, six seasons later, the metaphors have turned into maynads and the allegory appears to be a feasible trade-in for aliens. I also got into it because my girlfriend at the time watched it religiously. But I keep the intellectual bullshit in my back pocket when attacked for having seen every episode.


In case you're a season or two (or six!) behind, you can catch all of them on HBO Go. And don't miss the next episode coming this Sunday. We'll finally find out what the deal is with Eric. What a jerk.

[Top art credit: HBO]

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