Tech industry titans like Apple’s Tim Cook, Facebook’s Sheryl Sandberg, and Elon Musk’s Elon Musk have been beckoned to Supreme Leader-elect Donald Trump’s lair for a meeting on Wednesday. But another person on the guest list has just been confirmed: Jeff Bezos. The only question left hanging on the lips of Silicon Valley gossips is whether Trump will give the Amazon founder a noogie or a wedgie.
Yahoo News confirmed today that Jeff Bezos will attend the meeting at Trump Tower, which is expected to be awkward for almost everyone involved. The question Yahoo News could not answer, however, was just exactly how Trump plans to bully Bezos. Bezos owns the Washington Post, which has been critical of Trump’s special brand of neo-fascism in countless ways. Trump, who is perhaps best known as a 70-year old with a 14-year old’s mental and emotional development, is infamous for holding a grudge and is expected to take out his juvenile need for retribution on Bezos.
If Trump decides to employ a noogie, it would likely signal a more cordial relationship going forward, as it can be interpreted in a decidedly more friendly way as compared with the more hostile wedgie. The noogie, for those unfamiliar with the schoolyard harassment device, is when a person grinds their knuckles into the head of the recipient, usually unwillingly. A wedgie, on the other hand, is when a person grabs the rear of the recipient’s undergarments (typically male) and pulls them up with great force to create an unpleasant sensation around the recipient’s genitals and buttocks.
A noogie would likely be a bit more unpleasant for Bezos than the average man, as he’s bald, and knuckles applied to bare skin can be more painful than when applied to someone with a full head of hair. But the wedgie would be equally, if not more disturbing, as there are a great number of different types of wedgies at Trump’s disposal.
The standard wedgie involves a simple tug on the back of one’s underwear to pull the clothes up inside the butt crack, causing a tight sensation in the rear, along with discomfort in the penis and scrotum. The atomic wedgie is much more violent and involves the undergarments either reaching above the recipient’s head or, in some cases, tearing completely. The bouncing wedgie (sometimes known as the kangaroo wedgie) involves tugging repeatedly at the undergarments and may sometimes be used as a simple warm-up for a regular or even an atomic wedgie.
Modern science has thus far discovered 759 distinct types of wedgies, with everything from the Flying wedgie (where you actually lift the recipient off the ground) to the Bed Bath and Beyond wedgie (where you give a wedgie in the employee break room at a Bed Bath and Beyond). But we have yet to hear what Trump has in store for Mr. Bezos.
If I had to make a bet, I’d wager that Trump might experiment with the newly discovered Silicon Valley wedgie. It’s the one where the receiver pretends to be at odds with the goals of the state, but colludes with the wedgie anyway.