Supreme Leader-Elect Donald Trump Has Summoned Silicon Valley Elites To His Lair

Supreme Leader-elect Donald Trump (Photo by Drew Angerer/Getty Images)
Supreme Leader-elect Donald Trump (Photo by Drew Angerer/Getty Images)

Roughly a dozen leaders of Silicon Valley, from Apple CEO Tim Cook to Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg, will assemble at Trump Tower in New York this week. But it’s still unclear what kind of punishment Supreme Leader-elect Donald Trump has in store for his disloyal subjects.


Recode is reporting that Deputy Jester Reince Priebus and Minister of Immortality Peter Thiel personally sent out the invitations to about twelve or so Silicon Valley leaders for a meeting scheduled for this coming Wednesday. But according to Recode, leaders of the tech industry have been less than enthusiastic about the meeting.

Despite confirmation that people like Alphabet’s Larry Page will attend, we don’t yet know if others who were invited, such as Amazon’s Jeff Bezos, will show up. It’s not yet mandatory to meet with the Supreme Leader of the United States if a private citizen chooses to decline the invitation. Bezos, of course, owns the Washington Post, which has been critical of the Supreme Leader-elect in some of the paper’s coverage.

For instance, the Post was critical of the Supreme Leader-elect when he called Mexicans rapists, advocated for a ban on all Muslims from entering the United States, and whipped his followers into a frenzy of general hate for anyone and anything that wasn’t quite Trumpian enough.

If history is any guide, the meeting could be pretty awkward. When Supreme Leader previously summoned the heads of media, Trump chewed them out in what some people who were present described as a “fucking firing squad.”

“I hate your network, everyone at CNN is a liar and you should be ashamed,” the Supreme Leader-elect reportedly told Jeff Zucker, head of CNN.

Supreme Leader has repeatedly hit Apple for making products overseas and even floated a boycott of Apple products during his campaign. But the One True Noble One has been spotted “using” Apple computers on occasion.


As Recode points out, the list of leaders who haven’t gotten an invitation are perhaps as notable as those who have. The top execs at Netflix, Salesforce, Slack, and Dropbox have not been invited. But leaders from Microsoft, IBM, and Oracle have been. Needless to say, those that have been invited are more deeply ingrained in the military-industrial complex and already have lucrative defense contracts. Others, like Uber CEO Travis Kalanick, were invited but will be out of the country.

“Look, this is obviously a circus,” one anonymous person close to the situation told Recode. “Everyone in tech just wants to be invisible right now when it comes to this administration, but has to participate since we have done it before.”


It could not be confirmed by press time whether Supreme Leader plans to grab Tim Cook by the wrists and tell him to stop hitting himself.



Matt Novak is the editor of Gizmodo's Paleofuture blog



Nothing has happened yet. I’m pissed trump was elected, but nothing has happened yet. Save the hyperbole. We have no fucking clue what dude is going to fuck up.