Today, Twitter is rolling out a new feature that allows users to retweet themselves. But as everyone knows, you should be very, very careful with this capability. Because retweeting yourself can have a serious impact on your health and relationships.
I first started retweeting myself when I was maybe 12 or so. I don’t remember exactly. I just know that I had this urge inside me to retweet myself that got stronger and stronger through adolescence. Pretty soon I was retweeting myself two or three times a day. Around the age of 15 I probably retweeted myself 5 times on the rare day when I was home sick from school and nobody was around.
Retweeting yourself might seem like fun, but it can put a strain on the other people in your life who may not appreciate your constant retweeting of yourself—no matter whether you’re retweeting yourself while on the toilet, in your bed, or on public transit. You might think that nobody can tell you’re retweeting yourself on the train, but everybody knows.
Even today I’ll retweet myself when my wife is out of town or the sudden urge strikes. I’ve even retweeted myself in the shower.
Look, I’m not proud of it. Retweeting yourself can feel good in the moment, but it can have harmful consequences long term. The Encyclopedia of Things I Made Up In The Service of Wanking Jokes even says that retweeting yourself can cause hairy palms and overextended dank memes.
So be careful out there, kids. Retweeting yourself is a bit like masturbating in public. Nobody wants to see it.