Gizmodo
Oh, CES. You are a disgusting, bloated beast oozing everything that makes this industry horrible. Nay, everything that makes our culture horrible. Sure, to you fine readers it might look like it's all product announcements and good times, but that's far from the truth. In reality, it's a vile clusterfuck of nerds, sluts and suits; a deadly combo. Let me give you some reasons why CES signals the downfall of our society, if you can stand it.
1. Booth Babes
Are we such simple people? Are we so easy to manipulate that all it takes for us to decide that a product is worth writing about or purchasing are some out-of-work strippers in skimpy outfits handing out 64MB thumb drives? Yes! It seems to work. D-Link, a boring company, consistently had loads of pasty, sweaty show goers swarming around its booth, ogling their whorishly dressed booth attendants and grabbing at free handouts that aren't worth the jostling it takes to get them.
2. Gimmicky Booths
If a company is too classy to put half-naked women with no dignity in front of their booths to draw in foot traffic, it's pretty likely that they have some less offensive gimmicky crap in their booth. Cheesy fake game shows? Yes, that'll make me take your company seriously. Magicians? Wow, I am optimistic about your company's potential in the CE marketplace. I am interested in sharing this with our readers, as it seems like something that they should take seriously. Oh, wait, no it doesn't! You seem to have fooled me with your magic! Luckily, I have the sense of mind to ignore you and try to move past without being sucked into your tractor beam of the lowest common denominator.
3. Digital Picture Frames
Variations of these things are shown by the most companies at the most booths. Why? Digital picture frames are the worst gadget out there, tacky garbage that I can't imagine anyone would ever buy. But they do! These companies are all putting them out because you people are buying them by the truckload! They're essentially little flat-panel TVs with no tuners and a crappy frame wrapped around them. They then sit there, sucking up energy 24 hours a day, ruining our environment and making your living room look like the Fox News studio on the slowest news day in history.
4. Press Manipulation and Blog Wars
We get suckered in to covering CES like it's the second coming every year; we brought something like 14 people this time around. For what? So we can cover stuff we normally would pass on in hopes that we can get it up three minutes before Engadget. Companies cocktease us and make us go and do pointless liveblogs of their boring press conferences only to announce minor upgrades of the same garbage they released last year. This is worth 14 round-trip airline tickets and a dozen hotel rooms for a week?
5. Panasonic's 150-inch TV
This is probably the "biggest" announcement of CES, and it's a product that .000001% of the population will be able to afford if and when it's released five years from now. If that isn't a damning enough summation of why CES is irrelevant, I don't know what is. Isn't this show supposed to be about consumer electronics that will be released this year? This thing is neither, it's basically a big billboard from Panasonic saying "Our Dick is Bigger Than Sharp's Dick," and because we on the internet love pictures of over-the-top things, we shoot our loads all over it. Fuck the 150-inch TV.
6. Marketing Speak
The way people talk here is like 1984 if Big Brother was more interested in LCD TVs than suppressing the people. Is the Jook wireless streaming dongle really "revolutionary?" No, not even a little. Is it true that "There's a fine line between art and technology [and] it's called Opus, from LG"? No. That doesn't even make sense, and it offends me that you think I'd take such an idiotic statement seriously. You can't walk five feet on the show floor without hearing some horrible line of moronic marketing speak come out of the mouth of an overly perky 5-foot-tall PR girl in a pantsuit, and it makes me want to stab myself in the ears.
7. Designer Tasers
How are violent weapons with a sassy case one of the most buzzed about gadgets here? How are Tasers even considered gadgets? These things have clearly been erroneously put in the hands of cops and security guards everywhere who see them as a great alternative to handling situations verbally, and now we're supposed to give them to people who see leopard print as a pretty hip fashion choice? Commodifying serious violence isn't funny or cute, and just because you slap the shittiest MP3 player ever in a hip holster for a pink Taser doesn't make it a gadget I'd want to see people carrying around.
8. Knockoffs, Accessories and Other Cheap Crap
Half the stuff at this show is utter junk, created by money-obsessed vultures who would kick their own mothers in the teeth to figure out a way to trick consumers into paying a 5000% markup on something that nobody wants. It's booth after depressing booth of Wii weapons, nano knockoffs, iPod accessories and any number of other things that are pumped out at alarming rates with no thought being put into innovation or usefulness. When you disregard the top, most visible 1%, pretty much every consumer electronics company eschews good engineering, good design and imagination for getting derivative garbage out to market as fast as possible. It's a marketplace overflowing with lazy ripoff artists, greasy-haired shysters just looking to make a quick buck with the least amount of effort possible. And that's not even mentioning the environmental impact of manufacturing thousands upon thousands of tons of plastic crap every year, a good chunk of which ends up in landfills.
9. MyVu Video Glasses
While marketing weasels love to talk about bringing people together with technology, a lot of the crap shown here at CES encourages just the opposite. Take the MyVu video glasses, for example. If the folks behind this stupid device had their way, we'd all be in our own little worlds all the time, unable to see anything but the video we're watching. Hell, all sorts of "innovations" promote the same thing: don't talk, text message. Don't hang out in real life, hang out in Second Life. Don't travel to the Grand Canyon with your family, check it out on the Travel Channel in HD. The way these things are headed, we'll all be plugged into our own private media centers all the time, with our only human interaction happening when we need to update our credit card info with the home office.
10. CES is Leaving Las Vegas
Apparently, CES might be leaving Las Vegas for greener pastures in the future. This makes me sad. Let me tell you my favorite part of Vegas. In our hotel, the Imperial Palace (the crown jewel of the strip), they have a Dealertainers Pit in its casino. The Dealertainers are celebrity impersonators that deal blackjack. They aren't the best or most accurate impersonators in the world (the J. Lo impersonator is Asian, for example), but they have heart. We befriended the Bette Midler Dealertainer last year, falling in love with her off-color jokes and sassy demeanor. One of the first things I saw when checking in at the hotel this year? Ol' Bette, looking a whole lot older and a little bit less sassy. But she was here. And if I can't depend on seeing Bette, then what's the point of coming to CES in the first place?
[Photos 1, 2, 3 and 6 by Curtis Walker]
Comments
Wow. Time to reconsider your career, Adam.
lambodrivingmodelbanger: I preordered two of those massive TVs
im gonna mount one on the ceiling above my bed and one in the living room. THANK GOD for 20' ceilings
Dear Buddha, this hits the nail on the head, makes sweet love to it, then bitch-slaps it into the drywall.
I couldn't agree more about the digital picture frames. These things are pure shit. Dear old Mom has one of these things in her apartment, a gift from my sister, and she never really turns it on, because, normally, things that you have to turn on do more than simply do slow slide shows. She'd be much happier with a collection of pictures on the wall, which require no power, and will not get a bad pixel, or a dead LCD, and are just plain nicer to look at.
Wow, sounds like somebody needs a cookie and a nap.
The most pathetic things about the "Booth Babes" are the guys who wait on line to get their autographs. Autographs? Are you kidding me? Why don't you go up to any hot girl you see on the street and ask her for her autograph.
These girls are not famous. They are desperate for work. They are getting paid to act nice to you and try to get you to be interested in the product. They find you repulsive and pathetic for staring at them in their skimpy outfits, and being desperate enough to ask them to sign their name on a poster.
And you certainly aren't going to get laid, or get a date with them by asking for their autograph.
Hear Hear!! I had to stop going in 04 when my shoes exploded from the friction of walking 33.6 miles on the cheesy Vegas carpeting, and now the Adult Expo isn't anywhere close.... At least you had a place somewhere on the floor to stash your schwag.
I love this post. It's about time someone said this crap.
If anything we should be admiring Adam for putting this out there. I agree with every word.
The same thing happened to E3 after 2006, same thing will happen to CES.
Maybe the top 20% of super gadget freaks will scoff at this post, the rest I think nod their heads agreeably.
Someone clearly checked his medication in his luggage.
CES FTL...
I have a digital frame because I have countless digital pictures that I never see except when sitting in front of my computer. My place doesn't look like fox news. It eats no more energy than any other electronic device when turned on.
As for yourself I suggest you quit watching Mind of Mencia and Dane Cook crap cause neither are funny and if you do watch them clear your mind before posting.
The loss of Bette Midler aside, seems like these all fall under the umbrella of #4; somebody should print out #4 and frame it.
Wait.
A bunch of hoopla over useless shit that reinforces some of the more shameful aspects of our culture peppered with slutty girls and idiotic banter?
That's not just CES, that sounds like Vegas in a nutshell.S wouldn't that make #10 a positive thing?
Thank you for this post, it sums up most of my feelings about all Vegas trade shows.
Now I have a question: Will you be attending next year's CES?
The imperial palace, seriously? Wow, possibly the worst hotel on the strip.
@earthling: Could not agree more!
I'm Amish (Mennonite, actually), and you pretty much summed up the reasons why "Amish Times" refuses to cover CES year after year. Which probably accounts for all the Amish (and Mennonites) who flock to Giz for the latest on gadgety goodness. As whorish and depraved as CES may be, at least we in the Amish (and Mennonite) communities appreciate your coverage. God bless Giz!!!
Damn right! Great Post! I love my gadgets as much as the next guy, but there is a line...and when you start getting excited about an AC plug with sparkles on it, you've gone too far. I say, if these companies have nothing innovative or cool to show off they should stay home.
"They then sit there, sucking up energy 24 hours a day, ruining our environment and making your living room look like the Fox News studio on the slowest news day in history."
wow. well said sir, well said.
@SeattleTed: Have you ever been to CES before? It's soul draining. I went back in '04 and even after one day I was suffering from vanity overload.
Consumer electronics are where technological innovation meets everyday use. I think that CES would be much more successful and enjoyable if it returned to these two core concepts.
...For the record, I think Mencia and Cook suck ass too!
@coolal:
yeah man! i'd much rather spend my day working than walking around looking at new electronics and skimpily dressed women. the world needs -- no -- demands my productivity!
and there's a clusterf*** of sluts? i'm so there next year. look at gadgets for an hour or two then drink and gamble. that's a vacation.
Amazing post. This kind of thing is inevitable - anything that is useful or interesting to the consumer eventually becomes a target for opportunists and parasites, which eventually sap the product/event of all its original worth.
did the coockie lady run out of cookies or did the fat white guy gut off your caffeine?
Adam, you are great! I agree with almost everything.
You are sincere, and that is great too!
@earthling:
Yeah, my wife's cousin had her wedding reception in early December there, up in the Kyoto Room
(Read: Kigh- Oto)
Sigh. Hillbillies.
Awful food, considering the $$. But we did get to see the Dealertainers there, Michael Jackson, Roy Orbison, some country fuck in a Cowboy Hat.
We were completely out of our element, it was the weekend of the National Rodeo Finals, and the Country Xmas Convention. Too much country music.
The Go-go dancers in the NASCAR casino were pretty hot, though.
Maybe it's time to use those PTO days that you've been saving up. Either that or stop chewing on those bitter pills like they are Pez candy.
@Johnny Chimpo: soul draining like cleaning a septic system for $7 an hour, or soul draining like wanting to show off your video game skills at best buy, but some little punk won't move?? or soul draining like two-a-days? there are many soul draining tasks afterall.
it would be nice to see some of the mentality of this post applied in other gizmodo posts.
Amen
More interesting than the guy ogling the chick's butt is the fact that his shirt is unbuttoned to his navel.
150-inch TV was a hero to most.
But it never meant shit to me.
Flat panel wastin' big motherfucker,
Motherfuck that and FUCK JOHN WAYNE!
GREAT article and a fun read!
I made a similar observation at the start of CES :
CES Sucks!
I have also stopped going even though the event keeps me busy all the same.
My _ is bigger than your _ is all I get of CES anymore
CES: Next time you see Adam, tell him to have a Coke and a smile, and shut the fuck up!
Nah, you're right, but, you know, sometimes you have to act like a cheap whore of a poster girl and suck in the gut, put on your make-up and show us the 150" TV.
I want more on the format war. The time has come.
I guess this means you want to go next year??
lol
WITNESS THE EFFECTS OF BURNOUT
let's see - consumer exploitation festival held in the desert - in a town, built with mob money to enable gambling.
how's it going to get much better??
I don't know much about CES but I appreciate the honesty.
@frigg: i thought "amish (and mennonittes)" dont know how to use a computer because the culture is living a "simple no-technologies-involve-thing.
Terrific post Adam. I especially applaude your concern for the environment.
I see your point, though your delivery comes across more like a spoiled brat then intellecutal journalism. Sorry Adam, I dont mean to be rude, though your whine outshines your substance.
Number nine is the "truthiest" statement on this list. People need to get out more, turn off there TVs, shutdown there computers and live life every once in a while. As much as I love communicating with my thumbs on a 3 inch screen and fucking around on my computer, I love being outside more, without the healthy glow of an LCD screen. If had the money to take off and hike the entire length of the Appalachian Trail or ride my bike across the US, I would with out thinking twice. But I would certainly have my iphone, gps, and solar charger with me. Even those three essentials has more to do with my love of music and not being lost. I don't think you have to shun tech, you just have to moderate it's invasiveness in your life. Use gadgets to live your life, don't live your life for gadgets. Sadly we live in a society where it's less of the former and a shit ton of the latter.
...and yes, i know im a horrible speller.
#11 - Macworld 2008 ...
god damn: your, you're, there, their, and they're. those bastard words get me every time.
We (my buddies and I) always loved the Imperial Palace, because we always felt that the place's real theme was "pre-war Nazi Germany", which is... well, it's a daring choice for a casino theme, if not necessarily a wise choice.
Made for a lot of humor, though. A lot.
Useless, insipid, trashy, and relentlessly self-promoting occurences going on in Vegas?
THE HELL, YOU SAY!?!
Why weren't we informed of this earlier?
Seriously though, you can basically make this indictment against 84% of Western culture, but at least it's not the ultraconservative reactionary bullshit that some other cultures are fixated upon.
You have clearly OD'd on what should only be taken in small doses. Go hang out in nature for a few hours and you should be ok.
No one forced you to cover it...