I have a problem. It comes with double pepperoni, green pepper, and a cheese base. Sometimes there is cheesy bread. Dominos, and its network of dangerous easy ways to order food, is my enabler.

Advertisement

In case your are not familiar, Dominos is a company that turns dough into cash, delivery included. It provides a number of ridiculously easy ways to order its pizzas, including telephone, online order, mobile apps, and tweeting a goddamn emoji at a Twitter bot.

In case these things involve too much effort for your average stoner, Dominos has released a new app, called Zero Click. Download the app, log in the first time, and every subsequent time you open the app, Dominos will send you your default order. From when you open the app, there’s a ten-second timer before the order goes through.

Advertisement

This is both genius and horrifying in different ways. On one hand, I applaud the inherent laziness Dominos is promoting with an app that assumes, by default, that you want pizza at all times and without question. On the other, I can imagine butt-dialers and prank “friends” becoming a serious problem.

There is however a more serious concern. America is suffering from an obesity epidemic the likes of which have never been seen before. My Easy Order™ contains 3,440 calories, which is close to double the recommended daily amount. I could probably eat two pizzas per day if they magically showed up at my door. Dominos, for the sake of my waistline if not my wallet, please stop making this crap so easy.

[Dominos]