Photo: AP

James Comey, the former head of the FBI, will be testifying before the Senate Intelligence Committee on Thursday about his interactions with President Donald Trump. Ahead of that hearing, the committee has released his opening statement, which is full of saucy little details of illicit one-on-one conversations and flaunted protocol. The whole thing reads like a Victorian romance novel, garnished with spy thriller jargon. I’m getting the vapors already.

Take, for example, Comey’s visit to Trump Tower on January 6:

I remained alone with the President Elect to brief him on some personally sensitive aspects of the information... The IC leadership thought it important, for a variety of reasons, to alert the incoming President to the existence of this material, even though it was salacious and unverified... We also agreed I would do it alone to minimize potential embarrassment to the President-Elect

Salacious! Unverified! Is anyone else’s bodice feeling tight? Presumably this president-elect left quite the impression on our handsome young FBI director:

I began to type it on a laptop in an FBI vehicle outside Trump Tower the moment I walked out of the meeting. Creating written records immediately after one-on-one conversations with Mr. Trump was my practice from that point forward. This had not been my practice in the past.

Then there was the dinner Comey and Trump shared on January 27 where their tryst really heated up:

He had called me at lunchtime that day and invited me to dinner that night, saying he was going to invite my whole family, but decided to have just me this time, with the whole family coming the next time. It was unclear from the conversation who else would be at the dinner, although I assumed there would be others. It turned out to be just the two of us, seated at a small oval table in the center of the Green Room.

Donald, you dog you. So how did dinner go? Tea cakes and oblique references to the joining of two noble families?

A few moments later, the President said, “I need loyalty, I expect loyalty.” I didn’t move, speak, or change my facial expression in any way during the awkward silence that followed. We simply looked at each other in silence.

While this reads a little 50 Shades of Grey sex contract scene, it, unfortunately, does not end of one or both men asking obvious questions about anal beads. Luckily we get another one-on-one moment after a briefing on February 14... Valentine’s Day:

The President signaled the end of the briefing by thanking the group and telling them all that he wanted to speak to me alone. I stayed in my chair... After he had spoken for a few minutes about leaks, Reince Priebus leaned in through the door by the grandfather clock and I could see a group of people waiting behind him. The President waved at him to close the door, saying he would be done shortly. The door closed.

So Priebus and some other interlopers were, I guess, pressing cups against the door, hoping to hear a bit of that forbidden flirtation (with possible obstruction of justice). Will they ever be able to make their feelings known to each other?

He described the Russia investigation as “a cloud”... He said he had nothing to do with Russia, had not been involved with hookers in Russia, and had always assumed he was being recorded when in Russia. He asked what we could do to “lift the cloud.”

Alas, the fragility of the hearts of great men can take only so much infidelity. And with that, it seems, Trump’s flirtation with Comey had come to an end. Or had it?

I said the White House Counsel should contact the leadership of DOJ to make the request, which was the traditional channel. He said he would do that and added, “Because I have been very loyal to you, very loyal; we had that thing you know.”

;)

Turn the lamp to low, let the chambermaid retire for the evening, and read the full tale of law and love below: