A Heart-Warming Message from the RIAA

Illustration for article titled A Heart-Warming Message from the RIAA

Alright, you college student pirate assholes, LISTEN UP. Cary Sherman and Mitch Bainwol, the president and CEO of the RIAA, respectively, have a message for you in an op/ed on Inside Higher Ed. Suing all of you is "necessary" because what you're doing is costing "billions of dollars in lost revenue, millions of dollars in lost taxes, thousands of lost jobs." That's right, people are losing their JOBS. Thousands of them. I'm not sure who or what they did, but this is probably because now they're unemployed, thanks to you.

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You stole two thirds of your music. You told the NPD you did. So now, "finding a record store still in business anywhere near a campus is a difficult assignment at best." It's not because of Best Buy and Wal-Mart undercutting them with lower prices or anything, it's because those super low prices weren't low enough for your thieving asses.

And these damn universities are so uncooperative. The RIAA is being super helpful and showing them all kinds of ways block P2P entirely to stop you bastards in your tracks, since "the overwhelming, if not sole, use of these applications on campus is to illegally download and distribute copyrighted works." It's not like anyone actually uses that BitTorrent store, after all.

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It's a damn shame schools aren't doing more, because they have a "moral responsibility, as educators, as organizations transmitting values" to teach you jackasses not to steal music. Which is why "when schools increasingly provide their students with amenities like cable TV, there is simply no reason not to offer them cheap or free legal access to the music they crave." Yeah, schools should pay for the licenses for those services. The RIAA deserves that money, so they get paid even if you resort to stealing music encoded at a higher bit rate with no DRM. Greedy assholes.

Artists' mansions are shrinking. Their children are only able to afford a Wii and a 360, but not a PS3. Think about that the next time you download Nelly's new album, or even some up-and-coming band's new record which you tell all your friends about so they go to their shows and stuff. You just stole a CD from them.

God, why do you keep complaining about the RIAA? They're just trying to "educate these particular students about the importance of music... and the importance of respecting and valuing music as intellectual property." You don't have to be a pirate for life. The RIAA can help. It just needs a small settlement to get you started.

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Explaining the Crackdown on Student Downloading [Inside Higher Ed via Boing Boing]

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DISCUSSION

by Sylveran-01

I still stick to the sure-proof Method of downloading a random track of an album I'm interested in and seeing if it's alright or K-Fed bad. Depending on this Litmus Test, I will then proceed to the nearest CD store (never buy anything form a Mega Conglomerate if I can help it) and BUY the CD...

See! See! Piracy does hurt music sales! Think of all those terrible CD's that people like Sylveran don't buy because they pirate a free sample and don't like it!

Here's how the music industry is meant to work people: the RIAA synthesizes and overmarkets 128,000 bands. 12 are good, but you don't get to know what 12. Every band has one catchy song per album...the 12 good ones have an album full of good songs. Again, you don't get to know which 12. You hear one catchy song from a band, and you are supposed to go buy their CD, hoping they are one of the 12 good bands. If you get the CD home, and play it, and it turns out the band was one of the 127,988 lousy bands, you are out of luck. You are not allowed to return the CD you bought. No matter how terrible it is, or how much you think the near constant playing of "one good song" on the radio was really a form of false advertising. No returns for music CD's, except for the same exact terrible title. Period. Ever. Because of pirates. Or something.

This is how it's supposed to work. If you have a discerning taste in music, that's your problem. It is not fair that somebody's family should go hungry just because they work with/for/in a terrible band. It is your job to support terrible bands with your hard earned money. It is not fair to support good bands, but not bad ones. It's not their fault they're terrible, is it? It's not their fault they chose to go after a music career when they had no talent, is it? Is it even their fault they have no talent? NOOOO, IT ISN'T!

If you went to college and learned to do something useful, then you should have even more money to give to people who chose to make a career out of playing/supporting/producing terrible music. It's only fair. Otherwise, all those terrible bands would have no incentive to form terrible bands in the first place...and then what music would you buy? Think of how empty music stores would be without all those terrible bands taking up space. It would be sooo lonely, and empty, and sad.

(PS: please excuse me for using the euphemism "band" to describe what nowadays so often amounts to people on stage "singing" and "dancing" with no musical instruments in sight...)

(PPS: Copyright law is good in general...it provides an incentive for artists to produce art. But why does music not fall into the public domain after a few years of profit for the artist? Why is the copyright on music 99 years? People don't even live that long... Now go tell the government they are stupid, and the copyright law that we use now is used to ensure profits for companies, not artists, and makes no sense.)