Most of us are familiar with standard ninja and kung fu attacks, but did you know that there’s a technique that conjures Dracula to vanquish your foes?
According to bargain bin cinema, martial arts allow you to do anything and everything you damn well please. I was looking through the io9 archives the other day, and I noticed that our coverage of the super vagina bubble ninjutsu (link debatably NSFW) was still getting ridiculously high traffic months later.
https://gizmodo.com/q-whats-the-worst-ninja-magic-ever-a-the-evil-vagin-5642030
I’m not sure whether this is indicative of our readers’ love of insane martial arts films or their propensity to Google “io9 vagina.” In any case, here are 15 or so gobsmacking ninpos, martial arts, and dark techniques. We bring you what you want.
[Top image via BRNS. Massive hat tip to Sandronicus1313’s YouTube page.]
Kung Fu From Beyond The Grave β Dracula Summoning
Yes, there is a martial arts maneuver to summon Count Dracula. It is the only one you’ll ever need.
Shaolin Popeye β Death Farting
I’ve never seen Shaolin Popeye, but this power alone makes him/his son/whoever this kid is better than the American Popeye and his spinach steroids. This sophisticated drama also featured a scene of fishing with one’s doodle.
The Crippled Masters β Bionic Friends
This is like Master Blaster, but a thousand times better.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PG63tiVyDCY
Magic of Spell β????
This batshit Taiwanese fantasy flick defies description, so I won’t even attempt a synopsis. Press play and turn off your brain. Watch the whole thing here.
Buddha’s Palm β Acid Pimple
With the proper training (and by always wearing a facial mask of chicken grease and avocado butter), you too can turn the sebaceous gunk clogging your pores into a deadly weapon.
Magic of Spell β Laser Peach
A giant levitating peach that shoots lasers? Now that’s what I call tangible plotting.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iPFBjNVByJ4
Blowgun Magic
I think this is from some movie called Peach Kid (or maybe a sequel of Magic of Spell). In any case, you can watch the whole film here (I think).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rA40FvB11HQ
Ninja Wars β Female Head-Switching
In this sequence, five wicked ninja switch a female ninja’s head with that of the governess’ in some icky ploy to restore her virginity. Watch it here.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDG5qYoHWVs
Shaolin Invincibles β Gorilla Kung Fu
The Hong Kong remake of Congo had no script and 1/200th of the original’s budget.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2-2D0wq6LgA
Shaolin Prince β Dead Spouse Ghost Possession
A woman’s dead husband possesses her, kicking off an absolutely ridiculous monk battle.
Jade Dagger Ninja β Super Hair Growing Murder Power
This fellow grows a full demon haircut in 10 seconds and pummels the guts out of some dudes.
Kung Fu Wonder Child β Vampire Children
What’s worse than a hopping Chinese vampire? A pair of Chinese vampire toddlers. For more Jiang Shi insanity, check out The Gods Must Be Crazy 3 (of all movies).
https://gizmodo.com/chinese-vampire-invades-africa-in-the-gods-must-be-craz-5480396
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SqaXixaO7gY
Demon of the Lute β Deadly Scissors and Helicopter Child
In a film like this, plots, character development, story arcs, and dialogue are extremely unnecessary.
Holy Weapon β Exploding Bird Men + Super Strength
Another fine, indescribable battle that defies comprehension.
The Battle Wizard β More Gorilla Fighting + Frog-Eating
This is on par with Magic of Spell. Don’t think too hard about what you’re watching.
Holy Weapon β Spider Seduction Magic
Lady turns into giant spider, eviscerates a bunch of dudes. The subtitles are amazing.
