America's Holiest Holiday Nearly Upon Us

Illustration for article titled Americas Holiest Holiday Nearly Upon Us

Bust out your black and gold wreaths and streamers because Prime Day is nearly upon us!

What. You don’t know what Prime Day is?

What kind of heathen are you? Were you born in a barn? Did your sister dunk your head in the outhouse slop one too many times? How can you, an American, a creature born with an innate love of all things capitalism and consumerism, not know of our most hallowed holiday? The one which all the more tacky “holidays” like Yom Kippur and Eid Al-Fitr and Easter aspire to be.


There is no holier, no more celebratory day, than the one Amazon arbitrarily chose from the calendar to unload all their shitty old stock and boost retail sales in the notoriously sluggish summer months.

Amazon Prime Day is upon us come July 12, and I for one cannot wait to buy a garbage TV and Amazon Fire for $120 or a four-year-old hard drive for ten dollars less than retail.

Ooo. Maybe this will be the year I can finally afford an Amazon Fire phone!

Senior Consumer Tech Editor. Trained her dog to do fist bumps. Once wrote for Lifetime. Tips encouraged via Secure Drop, Proton Mail, or DM for Signal.

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Last year’s Prime day sucked balls. Amazon better step up the game this year. I don’t need more USB cables! Give us the good shit.