An Afternoon Spent at IKEA Is Even More Painful When You Weaponize Those Tiny Pencils

Even the most mild-mannered among us can’t spend an afternoon inside a sprawling IKEA warehouse without leaving full of rage. But if you want to drown your frustrations, do it in cheap hot dogs and soft serve ice cream instead of walking out the door, determined to weaponize those tiny IKEA pencils.

Up until about an hour ago we assumed the most dangerous thing at an IKEA store was those giant, all-wheel-steering shopping carts. But slingshot aficionado Joerg Sprave shows us countless ways those tiny brown pencils can be used to make a trip to IKEA even more excruciating. He even builds his own semi-automatic pencil blaster, which, while not lethal, still looks extremely painful should you shoot yourself in the arm. Tip: Don’t shoot yourself in the arm.

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DISCUSSION

PlasticMortality
Tami-onee-chan

I always figured the most dangerous thing in the building was the lack of open layout or easy-to-find egress points. The last time I went there, I counted all the exits I could find and came up with five for the entire store, including the employee areas, which there were more of an abundance of on the ground floor. There were no signs hanging up in the middle to direct you and the whole top floor is a giant fucking maze that occasionally has functioning doors that only connect to the “room” on the other side.

I spent the whole time there clinching one of those pencils in my hand from the anxiety of being there and feeling claustrophobic, and it wasn’t till I was out that I realized I had the tip pierced between my thumb and index. I did notice I split one earlier, though, when I tried paying attention to the pencil rather than the store.