Dirt Love And A Boring Apocalypse On Heroes

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Whenever Heroes is starting to flail around more than usual, psychic Angela Petrelli has another dream about yet another apocalypse. That's what happened last night, while Parkman riveted us with househusband drama and a carnie made out with a cylon.

You think I'm kidding about the cylon thing, right? NO I AM NOT. Ellen Tigh, the scary I-had-sex-with-my-cylon-son lady from Battlestar Galactica, arrived just in time to create yet another plot twist we didn't care about. But I get ahead of myself. Yesterday's episode, Close To You, resolved absolutely nothing and raised more questions than a bad DC crossover comic.

Allow me to break the episode down for you into plot points and the many WTFs associated with them.


HRG Obsesses Over Finding Samuel The Carnie

HRG finally tracks down some violinist named Vanessa who was the daughter of the rich people who owned that house in New York that Samuel sucked into the Earth way back when. You remember? How Samuel lived in the carriage house that existed inexplicably in nineteenth century England while the rest of the house existed in Long Island or whatever? Yeah, so it turns out Vanessa is the rich girl he's been crushing on all this time, the chick who was supposed to get Rainbow Brite's cello, and who it turns out is none other than cylon Ellen Tigh. HRG flies out to California to talk to her, and she's like, "Eww, I fucked that carnie Samuel, but then he wanted me to live at a carnival and I was studying music at Yale so like whatever gross." Seriously that's almost verbatim what she says.


WTF moment: IF YOU WANT TO FIND SAMUEL, WHY DON'T YOU JUST GET THE COMPASS FROM CLAIRE??? Oh, because that way we wouldn't get to see Vanessa the annoying Yalie? Because I could have done without that thanks.

Hiro and Ando and Suresh Become the Three Stooges

Oh for fuck's sake, the less said about this the better. There is a wacky breaking-out-of-the-mental-hospital scene that made me wish House would come in and smash everybody's face with his cane. Ando is high on drugs and flinging his lightning around, Suresh is making his grumpy face, and Hiro is like I am counting the days until I can go work on a show that doesn't force me to act like a stupid child because I'm Asian. Speaking of which, what show should Masi Oka get as his reward for having to be humiliated for so long on Heroes? Do NOT say Big Bang Theory or I will punch you.


Anyway so guess what? After zaniness, the Three Stooges escape the hospital, Hiro describes drugs as "Jawa juice" and refers to the guards and their dogs as "Stormtroopers and Ewoks." Then Ando blasts Hiro's head with lightning, he returns to normal, and teleports them all to HRG's house, where he was right about to have sex with Lauren. Ohhhh, wacky!

WTF moments: There is NO SUCH THING AS JAWA JUICE. That isn't even a nerd reference! It's just bad writing! Also please let HRG just have his moment with Lauren without the zany! Triple also: Why isn't Suresh dead yet????


Parkman Is A Househusband

Parkman has returned to his wife, who now has short hair because of course that's what happens when husbands fail to be cops. He's all happy and getting ready to cook ratatouille and looks all cute and boppy when Short Hair comes into the kitchen and is like, "Let me undermine your happiness by suggesting that it's not enough for you to be a house husband and take care of our baby and make dinner for me because how could you be happy doing what is obviously making you happy? Why don't you go take a shitty job working for my asshole brother, because men are always happier working at shitty jobs than they are cooking yummy food and taking care of their cute babies."


And Parkman is like OMG I have no self-confidence and I need to go hang out with HRG now and brainwash Vanessa and ask everybody whether I'm a coward or not because I'm cooking and taking care of a baby instead of being a psychotic drunk who hates himself. Oh and also? I need to go save the world yet again bye.

WTF moments: I'm still unclear on what all these things are that Parkman needs to fix. Sylar? Nylar? Samuel, who isn't his fault? I'm also deeply unclear on why he's hanging out with some chick who doesn't appreciate the fact that she has a cute boy who cooks and takes care of the baby for her while she's at work all day. Parkman, you can move into my house ANY GODDAMN TIME and I don't even have a baby to take care of so you can just pet the cats and make dinner!


Rainbow Brite Is Going To Destroy The World

As I noted last week, Rainbow Brite's power is completely different now. She doesn't even see the rainbows anymore. She just plays her cello and "projects her feelings." So she plays and gets Peter to come over, then tells him all about Samuel and how nice he is. Meanwhile, Peter is freaking out because he received a psychic tattoo telegram from Hot Tattoo, who made Peter's compass tattoo appear again and start spinning. (Note to self: I need an animated tattoo of my head smashing into my desk over and over again as I watch Heroes.)


Then suddenly Peter and Rainbow Brite are back at Peter's apartment and Mama P walks in and is like "Get that hussy out of here she is about to destroy the world I had a dream that she was slaughtering thousands of people!" And then Peter takes Mama's powers and has the dream too! Rainbow Brite is crying and playing her cello and people are screaming and Sylar is slowly undressing in front of her and showing her his Vulcan naughty bits. OK I made part of that up. Then Peter goes over to Rainbow Brite's house and smashes her cello, as if that will stop her from killing everybody since her power could change tomorrow into "I can kill everybody by crying" like that chick from season 2 who hooked up with Sylar.

Also, don't you just love the explanation Peter gives Rainbow Brite for smashing the one thing she loves? "Something bad is going to happen! It's all connected!"


WTF moments: Seriously WTF is all I can say. Now Rainbow Brite is going to destroy the world? Can't the writers keep their attention focused on one freakin apocalypse at a time? I thought this season was all about Samuel doing the 2012 thing and destroying everything except his special terraformed paradise of mutants? Instead of having a plot arc Heroes has a plot fractal, where the longer you look at it the more arcs you see until basically your eyeballs are buried in a bunch of freaky curlicues.

Samuel Kidnaps Vanessa

Yeah, he kidnapped her. She seemed sort of bummed, but then he kissed her and she got horny and we all flashed back to that awful scene with her and Cavil having sex on Battlestar Galactica and it was a really squicky moment. Samuel says, "Hey I want to show you something beautiful," and he doesn't mean his penis the way Captain Hammer would - he means that terraformed place. But we don't get to see it again because the CGI budget ran out.


WTF moments: Has this show been canceled yet?