Sure, “dancing lunatics and diabolical lesbians” sounds exciting, but if you’ve been
watching NBC’s Dracula, you know that
this is a pretty chill Friday night for the titular vampire.
So Van Helsing has got his “let Dracula stay in the sun”
machine working pretty well — so well, in fact, that Dracula declares he’s not
going to drink people’s blood anymore. Van Helsing points out this is a
horrible idea, but Dracula is determined to be human, to defeat the curse the
Order of the Dragon placed on him. Most of all, he wants to hang out with Mina
in the park and take a walk in the sun, where she complains about how listless
all the lunatics in her father’s insane asylum are. Grayson suggests she hold a
dance to liven their spirits. Mina loves the idea, and asks to borrow Grayson’s
phonograph for the occasion. Of course he says yes, and starts devising a way
to turn this into building sexual good will.
Harker, on the other hand, isn’t faring so well with
Grayson. After learning the bookkeeper who told him Captain Shaw was a war
profiteer was a mere actress, Harker announces his mistake to Grayson and wants
to fix it. Grayson declines, and Harker pieces together that Grayson was behind
the plot — but it can never be proven. Harker is less than pleased, but is
still willing to send out invites to the Grayson Geomagnetic Electricity
shindig that evening, where Grayson will debut (for the second time, I guess?)
his magic free electricity generator.
Meanwhile, Lucy is heartbroken about Mina rebuffing her
girl-on-girl action advances, and Lady Jane consoles her. Mina is the bitch for turning her down and not being a lesbian,
Lady Jane says, and the distraught Lucy accepts this tenuous logic. Jane tells
her to steal Harker away from Mina to hurt her like she hurt Lucy, which, sure.
Later, Lucy helps Harker get his suit for the wedding, and takes on the onerous
task of measuring Harker’s inseam with care and presumably a little
ball-cupping.
Also meanwhile, Dracula/Grayson sends Xaro Xhaon Renfield to
Budapest to buy the Dresden Triptych, where Renfield outbids the winner by
about a zillion dollars, accounting for inflation. Unfortunately, Renfield then
immediately abandons the Triptych in
his hotel room, where it is easily stolen by agents of Lord Davenport, who
opens the triptych to reveal… several paintings of Dracula’s wife from the
1400s, a.k.a. Jessica De Gouw, a.k.a The Huntress, a.k.a. Mina Murray. “THAT
BITCH GONNA DIE” Davenport shrieks (I may be paraphrasing), still reeling from
his son’s suicide.
When the hour of Mina’s Dance of the Lunatics arrives, she’s
shocked/delighted to discover Grayson has replaced his phonogram with a full
orchestra, and even grabs an first inmate for the first dance. This is weird on
about 90 different levels, as Dracula and Mina dance with a variety of smiling
madmen as if it’s all the most normal, pleasant thing in the world. Alas,
Dracula’s hunger is getting to him, and he has to leave the dance. Mina follows
him, and, buoyed by Grayson’s generosity and kindness, as well as the fact that
Harker didn’t manage to show up even after he promised to, she grabs Grayson
and begins the Victorian equivalent of dirty dancing (it’s basically a waltz,
but with orgiastic expression on both dancers’ faces). Dracula loves it until
the hunger kicks in again, and he starts fantasizing about turning Mina’s neck
into a Big Gulp, but he barely manages to tear himself away from her and flees.
Which is probably for the best, because his big crazy free
electricity event has already started, and I say I say “already started” I mean
“it’s been shut down by the police for being a danger by making local people
sick, even though the people are sick because the Order of the Dragon hired the
local police captain to poison a milkman’s delivery tank which made everyone
start bazooka-barfing.” The police burst in and force everyone out before it
even starts; Dracula only arrives
as the crowd is dispersing, and is understandably upset.
Oh, the reason Harker didn’t make it to the Headbanger’s
Ball is because he was kidnapped by the Order of the Dragon, who want to
recruit him, because even if Grayson isn’t Dracula, Grayson’s crazy hippie free
electricity business needs to be stopped. With all the other members In shadow,
Patrick from Coupling announces that
the Order is in a holy war, and the Ottomans are sitting on the world’s largest
pool of the 20th century’s greatest resource, oil. Harker points out that if
the Order is worried about energy, isn’t Grayson’s free electricity stuff a
good thing? Patrick from Coupling
mutters something about Grayson’s tech being fake, and Harker more or less has
no reason not to join up, especially after the Shaw incident.
The episode ends with Grayson/Dracula going out of his way
to kill the police captain’s driver, grab his uniform, sit on his coach with
his coat perfectly set as to hide his face in shadows, wait until the police
captain gets in his carriage, and then pull the dude out and drinks him. He
wanders back into his domicile, covered in blood. “You’re the monster,” he hisses at Van Helsing, “for giving me hope
I could be human. And one day I will kill you for that.” I’m paraphrasing
again, but I’m pretty close. And after what is admittedly a pretty low-key
episode for Dracula, it’s pretty powerful stuff. Will Dracula actually face off
against Van Helsing in this? Is Dracula even evil? How in god’s name will this
insanity end? Tune in next week, same Dracula-time, some Dracula-channel.
Assorted Musings:
So I understand Lady Jane messing with Lucy when she
thought Lucy was into Mina and Mina was into Harker and Harker was serving
Grayson who might be a vampire. But after a vigorous fucking in the sun, Lady
Jane’s suspicions have been sated (cough). So what the hell is she doing by
fucking with Lucy? Other than being a dick?
Xaro Xhaon Renfield paying $1 million for the Dresden
Tryptich and this storing it behind his hotel dresser was easily the stupidest
thing that has ever happened in Dracula.
To the best of my knowledge, the Dresden Triptych does not
contain any pictures of Jessica De Gouw in them.
I would have given much to read the thought balloon of the
old tailor whom Lucy forced to sit down so she could measure Harker’s inseam.
He just looked so unconcerned. “Yep, that lady sure wants to cop a feel. Kids
these days! Whaddya gonna do?”
