Excuse Me, Sir. Sir! I Am the Original Tweeter

Photo: Brendan Smialowski (Getty Images)

Excuse me, sir. Sir! If you would put down your newspaper forthwith, and grant me your fullest attention for a situation most dire.

For I have learned news most terrible concerning the electronic web, and its various scoundrels and malcontents. Yes, my good man, though you may be a stranger to me, surely a development of this magnitude is worth divesting your gaze from that archaic medium of communication. If one could call print “communicating.”

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Yes, sir, on Twitter, there are now those with the chutzpah to call themselves the Original Tweeterdespite the paucity of any certifiable evidence to contest my claim to that honorable title. I am the Original Tweeter! Look for yourself on my Samsung Galaxy S II, and try not to avert your gaze:

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Is this illogic? Madness? A simple UI change to designate which user started a thread? Or have the various gas-bags and money-men which run this damnable site simply thrust a blackheart’s dirk in my back?

My god, man, shall they have me introduce myself at this year’s Shorty Awards as the Original Original Tweeter? Ridiculous!

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I see you, too, have grown irritated at this outrage, and animatedly so! I shall leave you with your newspaper, sir, but rest assured that this affair will be addressed at the highest levels—mayhaps I will even write off a tweet directed at @jack himself. Yet I have a parting question. I am intrigued by this periodical you hold. What, per se, is Naughty Neighbors?

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About the author

Tom McKay

"... An upperclassman who had been researching terrorist groups online." - Washington Post