Facebook's Privacy Changes Get Scary

Illustration for article titled Facebook's Privacy Changes Get Scary

Facebook's long had some privacy issues, and now that they're broadening their reach on the web, who knows what'll happen next? Oh, right. We do:

2007 - Facebook Beacon links your purchases at online stores to your Facebook account so your friends (and marketers) can see what you're buying.


2010 - Facebook makes it impossible for you to hide certain information, such as your interests and location, from everybody.

2011 - Facebook History Tracker makes your web surfing history publicly viewable on your feed (and to marketers). After a brief uproar, Facebook enables an "incognito mode" for when you want to look at porn, but it's buried deep within the settings and automatically shuts off after each session.

2012 - Facebook Life Recorder is a small camera apparatus that's worn on your head, automatically tagging the friends you interact with via facial recognition and posting to your wall. Information such as where you shop and what you buy is put into a database (for marketers).

2014 - Facebook Implant combines a chemical scanner with a GPS chip. Everything you eat and everywhere you go are automatically posted to your News Feed in minute detail. This setting can be deactivated through outpatient surgery.


2015 - Facebook Guy Who Moves Into Your House With You and Is Always On the Phone With Potential Advertisers Telling Them What You're Doing meets initial resistance, but once the site starts publicizing its "Watcher Marriages"—instances where a follower and followee have fallen in love—public opposition melts away.

2016 - Mark Zuckerberg is elected president in the first election that allows voting via Liking candidates on Facebook.


2017 - Facebook User Relocation to Facebook's Headquarters ensures Facebook's ability to track every single thing you do to post to your Feed. Considered necessary after "Watcher Marriages" resulted in too many compromised Facebook Guys Who Move Into Your House With You.

2018 - Facebook Pods provide remote 24 hour contact with Facebook, as well as all bodily needs, including food delivery and waste removal (which is then provided to marketers for analysis).


2020 - Facebook Genital Pictures takes pictures of everyone's junk, which was real easy what with everyone in those Pods. Finally, Facebook fulfills its ultimate destiny: showing you (and marketers) everyone you've ever met with no clothes on.



I've kinda had a little saying about privacy that I figure is relevant here.

If you're concerned about privacy, you're hiding something.

Obvious at the superficial level, but what it really means is that when someone is overly concerned about privacy, they're probably trying to hide something they shouldn't/'ve do/done.

All the privacy I care for is the walls in public restrooms. And I only care to close my bedroom blinds because I'm sure nobody else wants to see my junk. Online? I hardly care at all. Sure, it's embarrassing to have some internet trolls post a long exposé of my internet history, but it's no reason to go out of my way to hide all the things that are otherwise just other pieces of my personality. Hey, might help someone get to know me. I don't mind that.